I keep reading through the About This Tumblr as if it's going to change.But it never does. Ashton's words loop through my head: Jake's a completecontrol freak. She's not wrong. But does that mean the rest of it has to beright? Maybe Jake told somebody else what I said, and they wrote it. Ormaybe it's all just a coincidence.
Except. A memory surfaces from the morning of Simon's death, soseemingly insignificant that it hadn't crossed my mind till now: Jake pullingmy backpack off my shoulder with an easy grin as we walked down thehallway together. That's too heavy for you, baby. I've got it. He'd neverdone that before, but I didn't question him. Why would I?And a phone that wasn't mine got pulled from my backpack a few hourslater.
I'm not sure what's worse--that Jake might be part of something soawful, that I drove him to it, or that he's been putting on an act for weeks."His choice, Addy," Ashton reminds me. "Plenty of people get cheatedon and don't lose their minds. Take me, for example. I threw a vase atCharlie's head and moved on. That's a normal reaction. Whatever's goingon here isn't your fault."
That might be true. But it doesn't feel true.
So I'm supposed to talk to Janae, who hasn't been in school all week. Itried texting her a few times after school and again after dinner, but shenever responded. Finally, I decided to borrow TJ's trick--find her addressin the school directory and just show up. When I told Bronwyn she offeredto come along, but I thought it'd go better with only me. Janae neverwarmed up to Bronwyn all that much.
Cooper insists on driving me even though I tell him he'll need to wait inthe car. There's no way Janae'll open up about anything if he's around."That's fine," he says as he pulls across the street from Janae's faux-Tudorhouse. "Text me if things turn weird."
"Will do," I say, giving him a salute as I close the door and cross thestreet. There aren't any cars in Janae's driveway, but lights are burningthroughout the house. I ring the doorbell four times with no answer,glancing back at Cooper with a shrug after the last one. I'm about to give upwhen the door cracks and one of Janae's black-rimmed eyes stares out atme. "What are you doing here?" she asks.
"Checking on you. You haven't been around and you're not answeringmy texts. Are you all right?"
"Fine." Janae tries to close the door, but I stick my foot in it to stop her."Can I come in?" I ask.
She hesitates but releases the door and steps back, allowing me to push itforward and enter. When I get a good look at her, I almost gasp. She'sthinner than ever, and angry red hives cover her face and neck. Shescratches at them self-consciously. "What? I'm not feeling well.
Obviously."
I peer down the hallway. "Anyone else home?"
"No. My parents are out to dinner. Look, um, no offense, but do you havesome reason for being here?"
Bronwyn coached me on what to say. I'm supposed to start with small,subtle questions about where Janae's been all week and how she's feeling.To follow up on the thread of Simon's depression and encourage her to tellme more. As a last resort, I can maybe talk about what Nate's facing as theDA's office tries to send him to an honest-to-God prison.
I don't do any of that. Instead I step forward and hug her, cradling herscrawny body as though she's a little kid who needs comforting. She feelslike one, all weightless bones and fragile limbs. She stiffens, then slumpsagainst me and starts to cry.
"Oh my God," she says in a thick, raspy voice. "It's all fucked up.Everything's so massively fucked up."
"Come on." I lead her to the living room sofa, where we sit and she criessome more. Her head digs awkwardly into my shoulder while I pat her hair.It's stiff with product, her mouse-brown roots blending into shiny blue-black dye.
"Simon did this to himself, didn't he?" I ask carefully. She pulls awayand buries her head in her hands, rocking back and forth.
"How did you know?" she chokes out.
God. It's true. I didn't fully believe it till now.
I'm not supposed to tell her everything. I'm actually not supposed to tellher anything, but I do. I can't think how else to have this conversation.When I finish she rises and goes upstairs without a word. I wait for a coupleof minutes, curling one hand on my lap and using the other to tug at myearring. Is she calling somebody? Getting a gun to blow my head off?Slitting her wrists to join Simon?
Just when I think I might have to go after her, Janae thuds down the stairsholding a thin sheaf of papers she thrusts toward me. "Simon's manifesto,"she says with a sour twist of her mouth. "It's supposed to be sent to thepolice a year from now, after all your lives are completely screwed. Soeveryone would know he pulled it off."
The papers tremble in my hand as I read:
Here's the first thing you need to know: I hate my life and everything in it.So I decided to get the hell out. But not go quietly.
I thought a lot about how to do this. I could buy a gun, like pretty much any asshole inAmerica. Bar the doors one morning and take out as many Bayview lemmings as I havebullets for before turning the last one on myself.
And I'd have a lot of bullets.
But that's been done to death. It doesn't have the same impact anymore.I want to be more creative. More unique. I want my suicide to be talked about foryears. I want imposters to try to imitate me. And fail, because the planning this takes isbeyond your average depressed loser with a death wish.
You've been watching it unfold for a year now. If it's gone the way I hope, you have noclue what actually happened.
I look up from the papers. "Why?" I ask, bile rising in my throat. "Howdid Simon get to this point?"
"He'd been depressed for a while," Janae says, kneading the fabric of herblack skirt between her hands. The stacks of studded bracelets she wears onboth arms rattle with the movement. "Simon always felt like he should get alot more respect and attention than he did, you know? But he got reallybitter about it this year. He started spending all his time online with a bunchof creepers, fantasizing about getting revenge on everyone who made himmiserable. It got to the point where I don't think he even knew what wasreal anymore. Whenever something bad happened, he blew it way out ofproportion."
Words are tumbling out of her now. "He started talking about killinghimself and taking people with him, but, like, creatively. He got obsessedwith the idea of using the app to frame everyone he hated. He knewBronwyn cheated and it pissed him off. She practically had valedictoriansewn up anyway, but she made it impossible for him to catch up. Hethought she'd screwed him out of going to the Model UN finals too. And hecouldn't stand Nate because of what happened with Keely. Simon hadthought he had a shot with her, and then Nate stole her away without eventrying or actually giving a fuck."
My heart contracts. God, poor Nate. What a stupid, pointless reason toend up in jail. "What about Cooper? Did Simon involve him because ofKeely too?"
Janae snorts out a bitter laugh. "Mr. Nice Guy? Cooper got Simonblacklisted from Vanessa's after-prom party. Even though Simon was on thecourt and everything. He was so humiliated that he was not only not invited,but actually not even allowed to go. Everyone was going to be there, hesaid."
"Cooper did?" I blink. That's news to me. Cooper hadn't mentioned it,and I never even noticed Simon wasn't there.
Which I guess was part of the problem.
Janae bobs her head. "Yeah. I don't know why, but he did. So those threewere Simon's targets, and he had his gossip all lined up. I still thought itwas just talk, though. A way to blow off steam. Maybe it would've been, ifI could have convinced him to get offline and stop obsessing. But then Jakefound out something Simon didn't want anyone to know and it just--thatwas the final straw."
Oh no. Every second that went by without a mention of Jake's namemade me hope he wasn't involved, after all. "What do you mean?" I pull atmy earring so hard, I'm in danger of tearing a lobe.
Janae picks at her chipped nail polish, sending gray flakes across herskirt. "Simon rigged the votes so he'd be on the junior prom court." Myhand freezes at my ear and my eyes go wide. Janae huffs out a humorlesslittle laugh. "I know. Stupid, right? Simon was weird like that. He'd makefun of people for being lemmings, but he still wanted the same things theydid. And he wanted them to look up to him. So he did it, and he wasgloating about it at the pool last summer, saying how easy it was and howhe'd mess with homecoming too. And Jake overheard us."I can immediately picture Jake's reaction, so Janae's next words don'tsurprise me. "He laughed his head off. Simon freaked. He couldn't standthe thought of Jake telling people, and everyone at school knowing he'ddone something so pathetic. Like, he'd spent years spilling everybody'ssecrets, and now he was gonna get humiliated with one of his own." Shecringes. "Can you imagine? The creator of About That getting exposed assuch a wannabe? It sent him over the edge."
"The edge?" I echo.
"Yeah. Simon decided to stop talking about his crazy plan and actually doit. He already knew about you and TJ, but he'd been sitting on that tillschool started again. So he used it to shut Jake up and bring him in. BecauseSimon needed somebody to keep things going after he died, and I wouldn'tdo it."
I don't know whether to believe her or not. "You wouldn't?""No, I wouldn't." Janae doesn't meet my eyes. "Not for your sake. Ididn't care about any of you. For Simon's sake. But he wouldn't listen tome, and then all of a sudden he didn't need me. He knew what Jake waslike, that he'd lose it when he found out about you and TJ. Simon told Jakehe could plant everything on you so you'd take the fall and wind up in jail.And Jake was totally on board. He even came up with the idea of sendingyou to the nurse's office that day for Tylenol so you'd look more guilty."White noise buzzes through my brain. "The perfect revenge for cheatingon a perfect boyfriend." I'm not sure I've said it out loud until Janae nods."Right, and no one would ever guess since Simon and Jake weren't evenfriends. For Simon, there was the added bonus that he didn't care if Jakescrewed up and got caught. He was almost hoping he would. He'd hatedJake for years."
Janae's voice rises like she's warming up for the kind of bitch session sheand Simon probably used to have all the time. "The way Jake just droppedSimon freshman year. Started hanging out with Cooper like they'd alwaysbeen best friends, as if Simon didn't exist anymore. Like he didn't matter."Saliva swims at the back of my throat. I'm going to throw up. No, passout. Maybe both. Either would be better than sitting here listening to this.All that time after Simon died, when Jake comforted me, made me drive toa party with TJ like nothing happened, slept with me--he knew. He knewI'd cheated and he was just biding his time. Waiting to punish me.That might be the worst part. How normal he acted the whole time.Somehow, I find my voice. "But he ... But Nate was framed. Did Jakechange his mind?"
It hurts how much I want that to be true.
Janae doesn't answer right away. The room's silent except for her raggedbreathing. "No," she says finally. "The thing is ... it all unfolded almostexactly the way Simon planned. He and Jake snuck those phones into yourbackpacks that morning, and Mr. Avery found them and gave you detention,just like Simon said he would. He made it easy for the police to investigateby keeping the About That admin site wide open. He wrote an outline of theTumblr journal, and told Jake to post updates from public computers withdetails about what was really happening. It was like watching some out-of-control reality TV show where you keep thinking producers are gonna stepin and say, Enough. But nobody did. It made me sick. I kept telling Jake heneeded to stop before it went too far."
My gut twists. "And Jake wouldn't?"
Janae sniffs. "No. He got really into the whole thing once Simon died.Total power trip watching you guys get hauled into the station, seeing theschool scrambling and everybody freaking out about the Tumblr. He likedhaving that control." She stops for a second and glances at me. "I guessyou'd know about that."
Yeah, I guess I would. But I could do without the reminder right now."You could've stopped it, Janae," I say, my voice rising as anger starts toovertake my shock. "You should've told somebody what was going on.""I couldn't," Janae says, hunching her shoulders. "One time when wewere meeting with Simon, Jake recorded us on his phone. I was trying totalk sense into Simon, but the way Jake edited things made it sound like itwas practically my idea. He said he'd give the recording to the police andpin everything on me if I didn't help."
She takes a deep, shuddering breath. "I was supposed to plant all theevidence on you. You remember that day I came to your house? I had thecomputer with me then. But I couldn't do it. After that, Jake kept harassingme and I panicked. I just dumped everything on Nate." She chokes out asob. "It was easy. Nate doesn't lock anything. And I called in the tip abouthim instead of you."
"Why?" My voice is tiny, and my hands are shaking so badly thatSimon's manifesto makes a rattling sound. "Why didn't you stick to theplan?"
Janae starts rocking back and forth again. "You were nice to me.
Hundreds of people in that stupid school and nobody, except you, everasked if I missed Simon. I did. I do. I totally get how fucked up he was, but--he was my only friend." She starts crying hard again, her thin shouldersshaking. "Until you. I know we're not really friends and you probably hateme now, but ... I couldn't do that to you."
I don't know how to respond. And if I keep thinking about Jake, I'mgoing to lose it. My mind latches on to one small piece of this messed-uppuzzle that doesn't make sense. "What about Cooper's entry? Why wouldSimon write the truth and then replace it with a lie?""That was Jake," Janae says, swiping at her eyes. "He made Simonchange it. He said he was doing Cooper a favor, but ... I don't know. I thinkit was more he didn't want anyone to know his best friend was gay. And heseemed pretty jealous of all the attention Cooper was getting for baseball."My head's spinning. I should be asking more questions, but I can think ofonly one. "Now what? Are you ... I mean, you can't let Nate get convicted,Janae. You're going to tell someone, right? You have to tell someone."Janae passes a hand over her face. "I know. I've been sick about it allweek. But the thing is, I don't have anything except this printout. Jake hasthe video version on Simon's hard drive, along with all the backup files thatshow he'd planned the whole thing for months."I brandish Simon's manifesto like a shield. "This is good enough. This,and your word, is plenty."
"What would even happen to me?" Janae mutters under her breath. "I'm,like, aiding and abetting, right? Or obstructing justice? I could wind up injail. And Jake has that recording hanging over my head. He's already pissedat me. I've been too afraid of him to go to school. He keeps stopping by and--" The doorbell chimes, and she freezes as my phone rings out with a text."Oh God, Addy, that's probably him. He only ever comes by when myparents' car isn't in the driveway."
My phone blares with a message from Cooper. Jake's here. What's goingon? I grab hold of Janae's arm. "Listen. Let's do to him exactly what he didto you. Talk to him about all this, and we'll record it. Do you have yourphone on you?"
Janae pulls it out of her pocket as the doorbell rings again. "It won't doany good. He always makes me give it to him before we talk.""Okay. We'll use mine." I look into the darkened dining room acrossfrom us. "I'll hide in there while you talk to him.""I don't think I can," Janae whispers, and I give her arm a hard shake."You have to. You need to make this right, Janae. It's gone way too far."My hands are trembling, but I manage to send a quick text to Cooper--It'sfine, just wait--and get to my feet, pulling Janae with me and shoving hertoward the door. "Answer it." I stumble into the dining room and sink to myknees, opening my phone's Voice Recorder app and pressing Play. I put it asclose as I dare to the entryway between the dining room and the livingroom, and scoot against the wall next to a china cabinet.
At first, the blood rushing in my ears blocks out every other sound, butwhen it starts to recede I hear Jake's voice: "... haven't you been atschool?"
"I don't feel well," Janae says.
"Really." Jake's voice drips with contempt. "Me either, but I still showup. Which you need to do too. Business as usual, you know?"I have to strain to hear Janae. "Don't you think this has gone on longenough, Jake? I mean, Nate's in jail. I realize that's the plan and all, butnow that it's happening it's pretty messed up." I'm not sure the phone'sgoing to be able to pick her up, but there's not much I can do about it. Ican't exactly stage-direct her from the dining room.
"I knew you were freaking out." Jake's voice carries easily. "No, wefucking can't, Janae. That'd put us both at risk. Anyway, sending Nate tojail was your choice, wasn't it? That should've been Addy, which is whyI'm here, by the way. You fucked that up and need to turn it around. I havesome ideas."
Janae's voice gets a little stronger. "Simon was sick, Jake. Killingyourself and framing other people for murder is crazy. I want out. I won'ttell anybody you're involved, but I want us to--I don't know--put out ananonymous note that says it was a hoax or something. We have to make itstop."
Jake snorts. "Not your call, Janae. Don't forget what I have on hand. Ican put everything on your doorstep and walk away. There's nothing to tieme to any of this."
Wrong, asshole, I think. Then time seems to stop as a text message fromCooper crosses my phone with a loud blare of Rihanna's "Only Girl." Youok?
I forgot the all-important step of silencing my phone before using it as aspy device.
"What the hell? Addy?" Jake roars. I don't even think, just take off out ofthe dining room and through Janae's kitchen, thanking God that she has aback door I can burst through. Heavy footsteps pound behind me, so insteadof going for Cooper's car I run straight into the dense woods behind Janae'shouse. I fly through the underbrush in a panic, dodging bushes andovergrown roots until my foot hooks under something and I tumble to theground. It's like the gym track all over again--knees torn, breath gone,palms raw--except this time my ankle's twisted also.
I hear branches crashing behind me, farther away than I would havethought but heading straight to me. I get to my feet, wincing, and weigh myoptions. One thing's sure after everything I heard in the living room--Jake's not leaving these woods till he finds me. I don't know if I can hide,and I sure as hell can't run. I take a deep breath, scream "Help!" at the topof my lungs, and take off again, trying to zigzag away from where I thinkJake is while still getting closer to Janae's house.
But, oh God, my ankle hurts so badly. I'm barely dragging myselfforward, and the noises behind me get louder until a hand catches my armand yanks me back. I manage to scream once more before Jake clamps hisother hand over my mouth.
"You little bitch," he says hoarsely. "You brought this on yourself, youknow that?" I sink my teeth into Jake's palm and he lets out an animalsound of pain, dropping his hand and lifting it just as quickly to strike meacross the face.
I stagger, my face aching, but manage to stay upright and twist in anattempt to connect my knee to his groin and my nails to his eye. Jake gruntsagain when I make contact, stumbling enough that I break free and spinaway. My ankle buckles and his hand locks around my arm, tight as a vise.He pulls me toward him and grips me hard by the shoulders. For one bizarresecond I think he's going to kiss me.
Instead he shoves me to the ground, kneels down, and slams my head ona rock. My skull explodes with pain and my vision goes red around theedges, then black. Something presses across my neck and I'm choking. Ican't see anything, but I can hear. "You should be in jail instead of Nate,Addy," Jake snarls as I claw at his hands. "But this works too."A girl's panicked voice pierces the pain in my head. "Jake, stop! Leaveher alone!"
The awful pressure releases and I gasp for air. I hear Jake's voice, lowand angry, then a shriek and a thud. I should get up, right now. I reach myhands out, feeling grass and dirt beneath my fingers as I scramble to find ananchor. I just need to pull myself off the ground. And get these starburstsout of my eyes. One thing at a time.
Hands are at my throat again, squeezing. I lash out with my legs, willingthem to work the way they do on my bike, but they feel like spaghetti. Iblink, blink, blink some more, until I can finally see. Except now I wish Icouldn't. Jake's eyes flash silver in the moonlight, filled with a cold fury.How did I not see this coming?
I can't budge his hands no matter how hard I try.
Then I can breathe again as Jake flies backward, and I wonder dimly howand why he did that. Sounds fill the air as I roll onto my side, gasping to fillmy empty lungs. Seconds or minutes pass, it's hard to tell, until a handpresses my shoulder and I blink into a different pair of eyes. Kind,concerned. And scared as shitless as I am.
"Cooper," I rasp. He pulls me into a sitting position and I let my head fallagainst his chest, feeling his heart hammering against my cheek as thedistant wail of sirens draws closer.