For the five years before Sarah died, we had so much fun living in the real world. Webasically had a care-free existence. I told you about how we shopped and went to the park andthe beach, and of course we were the best customers at the library. We spent a lot of time atLawndale House. Sarah especially liked riding the bus there. To her, the bus was like anamusement park ride. We spent weekends there socializing with the residents and Judy. Wecontinued visiting there even after Judy left because Sarah was happy to be with her peers.Living on the outside, Sarah came to realize that she was different from most people. She wasnever different at Southern so she never felt inferior. Now the real world was sending her loudand clear messages that she was not as good as everyone else, that she was damaged goods, andalthough Sarah was retarded, she wasn't that retarded that she didn't pick up on these messages.

Who sent these messages? Everyone. People in stores who inched away from her as if she had acontagious disease; people in the library who talked louder to her as if she were deaf, and thatwas in the library where you're supposed to talk softly; people on the street who stared at her andthen quickly averted their eyes; Michelle, who looked past her whenever she talked to her, as ifshe would catch retardation by looking into her eyes; and all of the people who spoke to meinstead of her, as if I were her interpreter who had to translate their words into retardese.When Judy got married, Sarah was invited to the wedding. I arranged for Michelle tobuy her a fancy dress. She glowed in her lilac taffeta dress. Leo was kind enough to dance apolka with her even though he was the groom. She kept pestering him to dance with her, but hehad other ladies to dance with, especially Judy who wasn't hindered by her club feet. Leo askedJoseph to dance with Sarah, and he did so for most of the wedding. He was such a nice kid, andnow he's a nice adult. She also found time to have three pieces of cake. I didn't stop her eventhough she wasn't supposed to eat sweets. I didn't want to put a damper on the fun she washaving. She said that she liked weddings and wanted to have one of her own. When I asked whoshe wanted to marry, she said Joseph. How wonderful it would have been if she had lived tocome to my wedding. But the irony is that I wouldn't have had a wedding if she had lived.After Judy got married, we spent a lot of time with her family, who were totally acceptingof Sarah. They treated both Sarah and me as if we were part of their family. When we went tobig family events, Sarah played with the four and five year old kids. Some of them taught her toput together puzzles with eight pieces. No one would have thought that Sarah could have donethat. Eight pieces - wow! When Judy had Carl, Sarah was overjoyed. Here was a real life doll toplay with. She played with his toys more than he did, especially the soft stuffed animals thatfilled his crib. She tried to sneak them out, but we caught her and laughed at the inventive waysshe found to hide them (like stuffing them under her dress and making her look pregnant).Our weekends were filled with visits to Lawndale House or to Judy's or outings to thepark, the beach, or stores. She was happy wherever we were as long as we were out of the house.Often she didn't want to go home on a Sunday because she knew she would be alone for the restof the week while I was at school. When Sarah was at Southern, she was isolated from thenormal world, but she still had other people to interact with. At the Warner house, she wasisolated from the normal world and other people so she was lonely and sad whenever I was away

from her. On Monday mornings as soon as we finished breakfast and I got ready to leave forschool, she'd start crying. Mrs. Brown hugged her tight and told her that I'd be back soon. Mrs.Brown usually had her calmed down by the time I was out of the door. Wonderful Mrs. Brown.She did so many things that weren't in her job description as a housekeeper.I told Dr. Warner about how lonely Sarah was because she had no one to be with when Iwas away. I suggested that he put Sarah in a day program for retarded individuals where shecould socialize with her peers, learn new skills, and even be trained to work in a shelteredworkshop. He said he thought it was a good idea, but when I broached the subject again, he saidthat Edith didn't want her going to that kind of place. She didn't want her with THOSE KINDSOF PEOPLE. Sarah was one of THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE. I argued that it was better thanbeing home alone all day, but he said that Edith was adamant about not letting her go to a daycenter. I was tempted to say that she didn't have any relationship with Sarah so why should shehave a say in her life. It should be Dr. Warner's decision alone, but I didn't. I couldn't interferein their lives. But I keep coming back to why Dr. Warner let Edith make decisions for Sarah. Hemade the major decision to bring her home. Why couldn't he now make a decision to send her toa day program? Did he have to pick his battles with Edith so he won the big ones and let thesmaller ones slide? Maybe he went along with Edith so that he wouldn't have to give in to her onthe next big decision to send Sarah to live someplace else - anyplace but Edith's house. I wassure that eventually Edith would get her way. Somehow she would get rid of Sarah.Since he wouldn't put her in a day program, he thought that another caregiver might behired while I was gone. I told him that probably wouldn't work because it would take Sarah along time to get used to a new person. I was right. He hired three different girls, but none of themworked out because Sarah refused to interact with them. She wouldn't even look at them. SoSarah remained alone during the day, just waiting for me to come home so she could beginliving.

I decided it was time for us to branch out and see Chicago. Really, this was more for methan Sarah. One day we took the el for the first time. On our first outing, we rode just two stopsand then took a train back to our home stop. The next time we took the el all the way downtownand rode around the loop, marveling at the huge skyscrapers. Both Sarah and I were giddy withexcitement. I was excited about seeing downtown Chicago for the first time, and she was excited

about riding the train for a long time. The next Sunday when I met with Dr. Warner, I told himwhere we had gone, and he asked if I wanted to see all of Chicago. Of course I said yes, notknowing what he had in mind. So a few Saturdays later, he drove us downtown and we parked ina lot across from the Sears Tower. I looked up in awe at the 103 floors of windows. I thought Iwas going to fall over backwards trying to see the top floor. Sarah didn't understand where wewere going, but I certainly did. I was trembling with anticipation at going to the very top of thetallest building in Chicago. Sarah was reluctant to go into the elevator so I had to pull her in.Remember an elevator is a small metal box with no windows so it is scary. As we rose higher inthe elevator, our ears popped. They actually hurt! Sarah cried hysterically, not knowing whatwas happening. The feeling of being catapulted into space was unnerving to me, but at least Iknew where we were going. Sarah didn't. She put her arms around my neck, almost chokingme. When we got out at the top floor, Dr. Warner led us to the windows to see the magnificentviews. Sarah was petrified. She refused to go near the windows. She must have thought that shewould fall out. So Dr. Warner stayed with her as far from the windows as possible while Iwalked around to see Chicago from every angle. It was a crystal clear day and I could see all theway out on Lake Michigan and I could see north to where we lived and west and south. Iespecially delighted in seeing the airplanes flying in the distance heading to and from O'Hare. Ifelt like I could reach out and grab them, like in the King Kong movie where the ape is on top ofthe Empire State Building and grabs a plane flying by. I could have stayed there all afternoon,but I couldn't leave Dr. Warner with Sarah all that time. Twice I tried to slowly walk her to thewindows, but she refused to budge. It was like trying to pull a mule. I'm not sure she wouldhave understood that this was Chicago even if she had gone to the windows to look out.When we got back into the car, I thanked Dr. Warner for this wonderful trip. I told himhow this helped me understand the world and that I hoped to see more of America someday.Maybe I could even go to Washington, D.C. and see the White House. Thanks to my GEDtraining, I now knew about my country's capital of Washington and the monuments there. I didget to go to Washington on my honeymoon. Not a place most people pick for a honeymoon, butit was where Charlie and I chose to go.

I hadn't been to the movies since I went with my mother many years earlier, but I waseager to go again. At first Sarah was afraid of them because of the darkness. But I figured out

that if we got to the theatre well before the movie started, it was light inside and then when thelights dimmed, I held Sarah's hand until she got involved in watching the movie. We lovedCharlotte's Web and Benji and Willie Wonka. I'm not sure how much she understood, but sheloved the color and the characters even if she didn't understand the plots. Most of all she lovedeating pop corn. I'd buy a big tub, and she'd eat all of it. I was amazed that she didn't get sickfrom it. Sarah definitely had an iron clad stomach.

For the first year I lived with the Warners, Edith was occupied with Walter's wedding toLauren. It was a big society event because Lauren's parents were also wealthy. I saw pictures inthe paper announcing their engagement and then of the actual wedding. Everyone was beautifuland dressed in exquisite clothes. It was like a fairy tale wedding or a royal wedding. There werehundreds of people there, but not Walter's sister. She didn't belong. Anyhow most people didn'tknow about Sarah's existence so why have her there and have people wonder who this personwas. Nothing should take the limelight away from the bride and groom. After the wedding, Editheagerly awaited news of a grandchild. But after two years there was news of another sort. Walterand Lauren were getting divorced. Edith was devastated. She had put all her hopes for the futureon Walter, and now he was leaving her with no hope for the perpetuation of the Wilson genes.To my knowledge, Walter never did remarry. I don't know why. As I said before, I rarely sawhim during the five years before Sarah died, and I only saw him once afterwards. There was noone to carry on the Wilson and Warner genes, and I know that was the greatest disappointment inEdith's life. Her family tree was permanently cut down.

On June 5, 1976, I was to graduate from Rogers Park Community College. I wasunbelievably proud of myself. No one would have thought I could do this, other than Judy andDr. Warner. I was a college graduate, half way to my ultimate dream of a bachelor's degree.Graduation was on a Saturday afternoon. Dr. Warner, Sarah, Judy, Leo, Joseph, Monica, andMrs. Brown were all coming to the ceremony, and afterwards Dr. Warner was taking us out to anice restaurant. On the Friday before graduation, I decided that Sarah and I should celebrateearly by going to our favorite ice cream store to get double dips of our favorite flavors. Thiswould be a real treat because I usually limited us to single dips since they were so big and somessy. I was walking on air - I was deliriously happy. I wanted to shout to everyone that I was acollege graduate. It had started out as a rainy, cool day, but as we left the ice cream store, the sun

came out and it grew warmer so I decided we should walk down to the beach. I felt the change inweather was an omen for a bright future for me. How wrong I was! If only the rain had stayed,the tragedy wouldn't have happened. Or, at least it wouldn't have happened on that day at thattime, but it would have happened. It was inevitable. Jack Miller couldn't be stopped.Because of the sun and sudden warm weather our ice cream cones were rapidly melting.What a mess. We were licking as fast as we could to stop the top scoop from falling off the cone.Usually Sarah ran through the underpass to get to the beach because she was afraid of the dark,but that day we were walking slowly, giggling and totally preoccupied with our ice cream.Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream behind us. "DIE BITCH." As I turned I saw a manwith a knife held above his head and I watched in horror as he brought the knife down right intothe middle of Sarah's back. He pulled the knife out and stabbed her in the neck. Then he lookedat me. I knew that face. I never forgot it from 10 years earlier in the shower at Southern. It wasJack Miller, Sarah's rapist. He was consumed with rage. No, rage is too mild a word for the lookon his face. What I noticed immediately was that one of his eyes was completely bloodshot fromwhere I stabbed him with a pin 10 years ago. There was no white - it was all bright red. Hismouth was open and there was foam coming out. He looked like a rabid dog. Instinctively, I ran,but he tackled me before I could go more than a few feet. He was on top of me and as hebrought the knife down, I squirmed away so instead of the knife going into my back, it went intomy left buttocks and down my upper thigh. I felt him pull the knife out, but before he could stabme again I heard someone scream STOP and saw a jogger run toward Jack Miller who turned theknife on him. Fortunately, the jogger jumped back so Miller missed him. Miller got up from theground and ran though the underpass to the beach. The jogger ran onto the beach after him andscreamed for someone to call the police. There was a policeman patrolling farther down thebeach who heard the screaming and came running. The jogger pointed to where Miller had runoff to. Miller was heading to another underpass farther down the beach. If he made it, he woulddisappear into the crowded streets. The policeman ran in the direction of the underpass. Hedidn't see Miller hiding behind some bushes. As the cop went by him, Miller jumped out fromthe bushes and stabbed him in the back. He then escaped into the underpass and the protection ofthe crowded streets.

I dragged myself over to Sarah. I saw these deep gashes in her back and neck. I could seeinside her body. It was like looking at meat in a butcher shop. Blood soaked her blouse andmatted her hair. I turned her over and looked at her dead face. "My Sarah. My baby. Don't die.I love you so much. Don't leave me." Her face was covered with chocolate ice cream. She hadfallen on her cone when she hit the ground. Her eyes were open and looking at me withemptiness. No, not emptiness. They were asking me a question. "Mary, why didn't you saveme?" I hugged her tightly and said, "I'm sorry my baby. Forgive me. I couldn't stop him." Myhands were drenched in blood from her wounds. My face was coated with sticky chocolate icecream from her face. I wailed loudly creating an echo that reverberated through the underpass.People from the beach ran to help. They tried to pry Sarah out of my arms, but I wouldn'tlet go. Finally, a policeman pulled her away and took someone's beach towel to cover her face.Now there was no doubt my Sarah was dead - gone forever. Nice people tried to comfort me,but I was inconsolable. I knew what death was like in the hospital and the baby ward atSouthern, but this was different. Back then, death was calm, quiet, bloodless, expected, andsometimes even welcomed. Here, death was blood soaked, loud, shocking, violent, andunexpected. Her death sucked me into a vortex of rotating grief that grew as it spun round andround, faster and faster.

Paramedics took me to Evanston Hospital in an ambulance. Somehow I was lucid enoughto tell them my name, address, and phone number, and then I gave them Sarah's name and herfather's name. The emergency room doctors found that I had suffered no damage to my spine orinternal organs, but I needed 30 stitches to sew up my buttock and 6 inches down the back of mythigh. The wound was deepest at the top of my buttock where he put the knife in, but it loosenedas he pulled down so it wasn't that deep on the thigh. I still have pains on my left buttock when Isit a long time. I'm reminded of that horrendous day when I least expect it...when I'm sitting inchurch or when I'm sitting at a basketball game or when I'm at a movie. Suddenly I'm forcedback to the worst experience of my life. I also got 10 stitches on my forehead where my head hitthe pavement when I went down. There's a faint scar visible there after all these years.Sometimes I lightly trace the remnants of the scar and smile as I see Sarah's beautiful facebehind my eyes. I suffered a concussion too so they wouldn't let me sleep. The nurses anddoctors who hovered around me made me feel safe from Jack Miller. I kept mumbling, "Don't

let him get me. Don't let him kill me. He'll find me. He'll get me." Finally, they gave me drugsto make me sleep. I embraced the sleep so I wouldn't have to face the biggest tragedy in my life.The next day the police questioned me. I told them what happened and who the killerwas. I was horrified to learn that Jack Miller was still on the loose. I told them I was petrifiedthat he would come after me again. They told me that there was a 24-hour guard posted outsidemy door for my protection. I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I hadn't known that.I would have hidden under the bed with a needle ready to stab Jack Miller in the other eye. Thepoliceman who Miller stabbed was in critical condition, teetering between life and death. As youcan imagine, to the Chicago Police Department trying to kill one of their own was the worstcrime of all. There was an intense manhunt for him. Miller was the headline in every edition ofthe Chicago papers. His story was first up on the local news in the morning, at noon, at 6:00, andat 10:00. The jogger had given a description of Miller so there were drawings of him everywhere- T.V., newspapers, and flyers on walls in stores and public buildings. But the jogger had onlyseen him for a few seconds when he was in a state of panic so his description of him was vague -white, black hair, heavy set. That fit millions of men. The police were glad that I was able to givethem a detailed description of Miller. A police artist work worked with me to create a moreaccurate drawing of Jack Miller. I especially emphasized Miller's blood filled eye. Now thedrawings on the wanted posters looked like Jack Miller.

Dr. Warner came to see me. I have never seen such grief and sadness as I saw on thatman's face. He asked me to tell him what happened. Then he asked questions which neither ofus could answer. Why did Miller do this now? How did he track Sarah down? Why hadn't hethought of ways to protect her from this beast? Why hadn't I protected her like I had in the past?Why didn't he kill me instead of Sarah? Each question filled me with guilt and overwhelmingsadness, but the last question devastated me. He would have preferred that Miller murder merather than Sarah. He didn't feel like he had to protect me, but he did feel that he had to protectSarah so that meant he was a failure - a failure at what he had committed his life to - protectingSarah.

Of course, Edith didn't come to see me. Dr. Warner told me that she blamed me forSarah's death. I shouldn't have taken her in the underpass. I should have thrown myself in frontof Sarah to protect her from the attack. She wanted her gone and now she was gone for good. But

to the world she was a grieving mother, when in reality she was a mother who welcomed herchild's death. At last, she would be free of Sarah as she thought she had been when she sentSarah away 24 years earlier.

I didn't want to leave the hospital because I was afraid that Jack Miller would find meagain. I needed the protection of all the nurses, doctors, and the armed guard outside my door.After three days, I was relieved to learn that Miller had been found. He had checked into a skidrow hotel right after the killing and stayed in his room until he snuck out to buy booze. A clerkin the liquor store spotted him. Miller had his hat pulled over the top of his face and his coatcollar pulled over the bottom of his face, but when he paid the clerk, he looked at him and thereit was - his blood-filled eye. After Miller left, the clerk went into the street to follow Miller. Hesaw him enter the hotel and called the cops. When they came to arrest Miller, he barricadedhimself in his room. The police used tear gas to force him out and when he came out, they shothim. They said that he attacked one of the cops with a knife, but no one believed that. The policekilled a mad dog. They did the right thing. I wouldn't have been able to go on living if Millerhadn't been killed. Even if he had been sent back to jail, I would always think of him escapingand coming after me. I was safe now, but I would never be safe from the flashbacks of seeingMiller stab Sarah and seeing Sarah's wounds and seeing her lifeless face. They are etched in acidin my memory.

Judy and Leo came to see me as soon as they heard what happened. When Judy held me,I felt safe. I felt like I did when she hugged me the day I entered the ward at Southern. Shecomforted me then and she comforted me now in the hospital. Leo took me in his arms and saidthat we were family. I wish that there had been some way that Leo's strong arms could haveprotected Sarah and me a few days earlier. Judy told me that I could live with her as long as Iwanted. I could live in her mother-in-law's apartment next door and share a bedroom with her12 year old niece. I told her that first I had to go back to the Warners to get my most valuablepossessions - the evidence of my competence - the court document declaring me legallycompetent, my social security card, my voting card, and my GED. I couldn't live without these.If I didn't have these, I wouldn't be the Mary Reilly I worked so hard to become. Without them,Jack Miller would have killed that Mary Reilly.

When Dr. Warner came to see me, I told him that I was moving in with Judy. He said thatwas for the best. He told me that he would arrange for me to get my things when he was sure thatEdith was out of the house. It was obvious that his feelings about me had changed, but so had hisfeelings about himself. He thought he had atoned for what he did to Sarah and for what societydid to me, but now the daughter he vowed to protect had been taken from him and I, his almostdaughter, had also been taken from him. He felt that by saving Sarah from Southern, he hadunknowingly arranged for her murder. If she had remained at Southern, Miller could have nevergotten to her. She would still be alive. I wanted to say to him that five years of living in freedomwas infinitely better than a lifetime of living locked up at Southern. I couldn't say anything tohim. He couldn't be comforted. He didn't want to be comforted. He wanted to suffer. He neededto suffer.

After I was released from the hospital, Leo and Judy drove me to the Warner's house. Dr.Warner told me when to come because he had arranged for Edith not to bother me as long as Iwent in the back door and got my things out within an hour. When I entered the kitchen, Mrs.Brown hugged me tightly as she said, "You did the best you could to protect Sarah. Don't blameyourself." I told her I needed to pack my belongings as quickly as possible. I asked what I shouldtake. She said to take everything because my things would be thrown out if I left them. First, Ipacked my important documents and then all my clothes and books. I took Sarah's doll, the oneDr. Warner gave her when she left Southern. I still have that doll. It's on a shelf in my bedroomalong with photos of Sarah and me at Judy's wedding. I also took her favorite book on babyanimals and the sounds they make. As I left the room, I petted Kitty who was being turned overto the SPCA where I knew she would be put to death. If pets went to heaven, maybe she joinedSarah. As Leo was loading the car in the alley, I stood at the back door and hugged Mrs. Brownagain. I gave her Judy's phone number and address in case she wanted to contact me. I told herto keep in touch even though I knew she wouldn't.

Suddenly, I felt a presence behind me. I felt a cold chill as if a ghost had walked over mygrave. I turned and there was Edith. She promised not to see me, and yet there she was in hergray suit, pearls, and diamond earrings. The look on her face was filled with venom. She said,"You killed my baby."

I should have just left, but I couldn't. I couldn't let her get away with this charade ofbeing a loving mother. She might be able to fool the rest of the world, but she couldn't fool me. Idid something I've never done before or since. I screamed at her. She is the only person I haveever in my life screamed at. I got as close to her as possible without actually touching her."You liar! You piece of scum! You heartless bitch! You hated Sarah. Now you're actinglike a grieving, loving mother. I hope you burn in Hell for what you did to Sarah. You're the oneresponsible for her being at Southern and if you had your way, you would have had her live herwhole life there. You're responsible for Sarah's death. If she hadn't been locked away atSouthern by you, Jack Miller wouldn't have raped and murdered her. You are the real murderer.You're the one who held the knife and stabbed Sarah so deep in the back that you reached herheart. You're the one who carved her up like a piece of meat. You're a vicious, evil woman whodeserves to be exposed to the world for what you really are. If I could, I would call every T.V.station and every newspaper to tell them what you're really like. A cruel, cruel woman whohated her daughter, her own flesh and blood, and wished her dead."I can still picture the look on her face - shock that someone like me could talk to her likethat. Shock that someone could say that she murdered her beloved daughter. But there was alsofear - fear that I would expose her to the world for what she was. She must have had a vision ofher name and picture in every Chicago newspaper with the headline, "Mother murdersdaughter."

I was tempted to slap her cruel, ugly face, but fortunately I restrained myself. I didn'thave to. My words were stronger than any slap. Dr. Warner came into the kitchen as I wasyelling at Edith. He pulled her away and they disappeared into the house that really was their jail.Leo and Judy hurried me out of the house into the alley where they finished stowing all mybelongings into their car. I shook all the way to Judy's house. How could meek, poor, inferiorMary stand up to rich, powerful Edith? Well, I did, and I've never regretted it. Years later Ilearned the full impact my outburst had on Edith and Dr. Warner.

Obviously, I didn't go to Sarah's funeral even if Dr. Warner had allowed me to which hedidn't. I learned that it was a small funeral with about 20 people, only relatives and closefriends. No family member or friend spoke. How could anyone speak? No one knew Sarah

except her father and he wasn't going to share his feelings with these people. Edith's priest said afew general words about Sarah and gave some generic funeral prayers. It was as if no one wantedto be at the funeral and everyone wanted it over as soon as possible. Dr. Warner had Sarahcremated and kept her ashes in an urn on the mantel in the library.I don't know what the Warners told people about Sarah when her existence could nolonger be hidden. Here was this secret child who had lived in their house for five years, and nowthe whole world knew about her. What did people think of them having this secret? After peoplegot over the shock of Sarah's death, didn't they want to find out about her life?What made matters worse for the Warners was the coverage of the story in thenewspapers and T.V. When Miller was on the loose and then killed, the Warners were sparedmedia attention, but as interest in Jack Miller waned, they became the focus of the story. Thetabloids had a ball milking this juicy story. People love to read about bad things happening topeople who've had good lives, or what they perceive as good lives. Stories about them were onthe front page and there were special segments on the news that were devoted to them. This wenton for weeks and weeks. And that is I how I found out about Jack Miller and how he was able tokill Sarah.

The media discovered that Sarah was raped by Jack Miller while she was at Southern. Hewas tried for rape and found guilty, but only given six years, probably because he raped aretarded woman. He might have gotten more if he raped a normal woman. When he got out ofjail, he couldn't get a job because everyone in Seymour knew what he'd done. His wife divorcedhim and refused to let him see his kids. He found his way to Chicago, a place where no one knewabout him. He drifted from job to job. He was obsessed with Sarah and me. He felt that we hadruined his life. All of his problems were caused by us. He learned from people he knew atSouthern that Sarah had been released and who her family was. He thought that he had gotten aheavy sentence because of her family even though no one knew who her family was at the timeshe had been raped, and six years for rape was hardly a heavy sentence.Although Jack Miller wasn't a smart man, he was devious which made it easy for him tofind the Warner house. He started by looking Mark Warner up in the phone book, but there weretoo many Mark Warners in Chicago. Then he remembered that someone said that Mark Warner

was a professor at Northwestern. So he hung around coffee shops in Evanston and got friendlywith some hippies who had dropped out of school. He told them that he had dropped out too andthat he wanted to see the only professor who had been good to him - Mark Warner - and heneeded help finding him. Jack Miller definitely did not look like a Northwestern Universitystudent, but to hippies strung out on drugs he might have looked like the president ofNorthwestern. Anyhow they helped him find Dr. Warner's home address in the Northwesternfaculty directory. That was all he needed to stalk us, which he did for three months. Of course,we were totally unaware that he was following us. He watched our house at all hours of the dayand night, but none of the neighbors reported him which is surprising considering he looked likea wild man and he was lurking around this fancy neighborhood. They only remembered seeinghim in the neighborhood after the tragedy. Would things have turned out differently if a neighborhad reported him to the police and he had been arrested for loitering or something minor? Wouldthat have stopped him? Probably not.

As he stalked us, his rage grew. He saw us living in this beautiful house and lookinghappy whenever we walked down the street. We never turned around to see who was behind us.We were totally ignorant of the evil that followed us. Oh, we were blissfully ignorant of whatwas about to happen to us.

Miller lived in shelters or flop houses or on the streets; he got food from soup kitchens;and he stole money to get booze. First, he wanted to find a way to rape both of us, but hecouldn't figure out how to do that. He considered breaking into the house, but Mrs. Brown andHilda were there all day and Dr. Warner and Edith were there all night. We were never alone inthe house. When the Warners traveled, either Jackson or Michelle stayed in the house with us.He knew raping us wouldn't be enough of a punishment; he would only be satisfied withour deaths. Interestingly, he talked openly to others in the flop houses and shelters about what heplanned to do. Although he talked about murder, no one believed him. They thought he was acrazy man ranting and raving. But this crazy man also had a carefully thought-out plan forturning his ranting into reality. The first step of his plan was getting a weapon. He knew hecouldn't get a gun, but he could get a knife - a sharp one. There was a butcher shop in theneighborhood where he was living. He looked in the window whenever he thought he wouldn't

be noticed. He spotted the carving knife that he wanted. One day when the shop was crowded, hesnuck in and stole the knife. No one noticed him. It had been so easy.The newspaper and T.V. reporters were able to trace his life up to the attack. They wereable to find out everything about him and everything about Sarah and her family. Butfortunately, they weren't interested in me. I was mentioned as Sarah's caregiver. I was justcollateral damage. Thank God they didn't find out about my history at Southern. Only Sarah andher family were news. The papers portrayed the Warners as loving parents who had given Sarahthe best of everything, including a full time nanny, me. When I read the articles about Edith, Iwanted to announce to the world that they weren't true. She hated Sarah and was glad she wasdead. But I had to be satisfied with my exposing the real Edith to her face.I moved in with Mrs. Pulaski who was a kind woman whose sole mission in life wastaking care of her grandchildren. Fortunately, she didn't speak English well so we didn't talkmuch which was fine with me. I don't think she knew what had happened to me and why I wasliving with her. I had a little money saved in the bank, about $800, so I volunteered to pay rentfor the room, but she wouldn't take it. I helped with the baby sitting and cooking and cleaning asa type of payment and also as a way of keeping busy. I loved taking care of Judy's year old son,Carl, but he was a challenge, always fussing and misbehaving. I got along with Linda, my 12year old roommate. I tried only to sleep in the room so I wouldn't invade her privacy. But shewas a shy 12 year old who wasn't into privacy yet.

Gradually the everyday activities of life dulled my memories of that horrendous day inJune. And living there made it possible for Judy to take care of me emotionally. I felt like thepoor girl who had just had a baby and found herself in an institution all alone until a bouncy girlsat on her bed and welcomed her. Judy gave me the kindness that I needed and laid thegroundwork for me to start healing. At times, I felt like I had no future, but Judy was alwaysthere to paint a rosy picture for me. She constantly stressed how good I had been to Sarah and thehappiness I'd given her. Dr. Warner couldn't compare to me in terms of what I had done for her.I was the one who gave Sarah happiness. It took many years for me to believe that. I was theonly person who loved Sarah, and I was the only person Sarah loved.

My faith in God was shaken by Sarah's death. How could God take this angel who hadnever done a mean thing in her life? How could He allow her to be stabbed like an animal? I keptasking God why, why, why? And Judy was there to help me find answers. We read the Bibleevery night. Eventually I came to the realization that God couldn't be questioned. Sarah wassafe now. She was in His arms. I think by trying to bring me closer to God, Judy brought herselfcloser to Him too. And our friendship was strengthened even more.After three months, I knew I had to find a job, not only for financial reasons but for mysanity. I had to fill the days with something other than reliving Sarah's murder. Every time I hada quiet minute, Jack Miller's face flashed before me. I'd feel the cold metal stabbing into mybuttock. I'd see Sarah's dead face before me. I'd hear Dr. Warner telling me that I had failed toprotect Sarah. I caused her murder. I was going crazy.

I read the help wanted pages every day, but nothing seemed right for me. I did have adegree from a community college, but it didn't enable me to get a job that appealed to me.Nothing seemed right. I didn't want to work at McDonald's and I didn't have any talent likeJudy. Judy learned that there was a part-time position available for a weekend counselor at theLawndale Home. I certainly had the qualifications for that job. I had taken care of retardedpeople since the age of 13. Leo helped me fill out the job application. I needed two references. Icalled Dr. Warner's office to find out if he would give me a reference. He wouldn't talk to me soI left a message with his secretary. She called back to say that Dr. Warner would give me arecommendation and to just send her the form. Then I contacted Mr. Hutchison at Southern toask if he would give me a recommendation since he was my supervisor at Southern. Both mengave me glowing recommendations and I got my first job. Now I was getting paid for work Ihad done for free for many years.

Gladys West, the manager of Lawndale House, trained me for the job. She knew aboutmy past at Southern as well as my work with Sarah. She also knew me from my weekend visitswith Sarah over the past five years. Although Gladys was older than me, about 40, she became afriend, and even more importantly, she became my mentor. She had a knack for putting people atease and making them feel comfortable. Nothing bothered her, except her third husband who sheconstantly complained about.

I worked on weekends for three months, and then a position opened up as a nightcounselor and it came with a furnished one room apartment at Lawndale. Although it was onlyone room, it was large with a sofa bed and a table and chairs and a tiny kitchen along one wall.And I had my own bathroom. What more could I ask? I was going to live with retarded peopleagain, not as one of them, but as a caregiver. How strange the turns my life has taken. AlthoughI was a counselor at Lawndale, I wasn't that different from some of the women living there. Ineeded to learn functional life skills. Living in an institution and then living a pamperedexistence at the Warners had not prepared me to live on my own. So I learned to cook, shop,budget, and clean. It's funny that many of the women at Lawndale were better cooks than meand ended up teaching me a lot, especially the women who had worked in food service atSouthern.

My job required me to be available from 10:00 PM to 6:00 AM to the 12 women ofLawndale House. That didn't mean I had to be up all night, but I had to be available if someonecame to my room or if anybody hit the emergency button in the hallway. And there were alwaysemergencies - people getting sick and having to be rushed to the hospital, people sleepwalkingand trying to get out of the back door which was locked and had an alarm bell, people havingnightmares, people who were afraid of the dark and the memories it held, and people trying toget into bed with other people who didn't want anyone in their bed. I made rounds four times -once at 10:00, then at midnight before I took a nap, and again at 3:00 and finally at 5:30 after mysecond nap. I always kept my door opened so I could hear if there were any problems. Whensomeone was sick, I usually stayed up with them. I liked working nights because it reminded meof my time in the hospital at Southern when I was pregnant and I comforted sick and dyingpatients. And slowly I healed, just a little every day. Judy and my new friend Gladys werealways there for me. But the one who really healed me was Charlie.