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"It was pride that turned Angels into Devils..." - Saint Augustine

Your boyfriend seems to have it all figured out, he has his life in order, hisplans make sense, and he projects his strength on you in a way that's bothsexy and reassuring. Similar to how a father becomes a giant to hisdaughter, your boyfriend's drive and command makes him the epitome ofmale power. What if I told you that most men, including your boyfriend,aren't as strong as they seem? You deal with a certain societal pressure as awoman which you can either let stress you or you can shrug off andmaintain control. A man has that same pressure, but may not be asemotionally strong as you have become after you embraced Spartanhood. Ifyou know that he's unsure, worried, or in need of motivation, you can takemeasures to help, but you must go about it in an empathetic way. You aren'ta man, you may feel as if you have them figured out, but when trouble isbrewing, males not only breakdown they lash out at those trying to help.You can prove how great of a woman you are by showing your man hedoesn't have to do this alone. The problem is that most men will not admitto their anxieties.

You can't help someone that won't let you in, and your boyfriend'stroubles won't come like in the movies, where he breaks down in yourarms, his troubles will slowly leak out. You may think it's just a funkymood or a bad day, and while it will draw your attention, it is soondismissed because these kind of men hide stress behind a smile. The truthwill eventually come out that he's barely keeping his head above wateremotionally. Not only is life taking a toll on him, he would rather handle italone than ask for help. The common response from a strong woman is totake the lead the moment she sees that her man is in trouble, which soundslike the proper response, but creates a hostile environment of resentment.Fear of being emasculated will drive a man to desperate measures. You seeyourself as being a good mate, he sees it as stepping on his toes, and hisfrustration will cause him to turn on you. Arguments, avoidance, turning toother women, even breaking up--a man will do these in response to youtrying to fix him. Why? Because trying to fix an independent man in a brashmanner is the same as pulling down his pants and laughing at his dick. Malepride doesn't care about your intentions, it only cares about protecting theimage of a strong, tough, man.

He can't get ahead in life. He can't afford the things he needs. Heisn't at the same level as others his age or below. He can't do for you whathe feels a man should do for his woman. He made promises he hasn't beenable to live up to. Everything he portrays as going good is caving in on him,and he's not allowed to cry about it, he's expected to keep his head up andhold it together until things change. There are countless things that are tiedto a man's pride, and he doesn't want any of them exposed by a woman. Ifyou discover that he isn't as big as he pretends, you will still love him, buthe doesn't want that pity. We talked earlier about daddy issues, and howyou had to look back upon your own father as just another flawed man.Now you must take this same knowledge and apply it to yourboyfriend. His bravado is a mask, his carefree attitude is paper thin, hiscool demeanor is an eggshell, and what lies beneath could be a deep darkdepression. "We got this, baby," will not make a man feel better. Saving himputs him at your mercy, and you are proven stronger than him. This leadshim to question what kind of man he is.

These thoughts are negative assumptions and condemnations basedon an overblown ego or the results of a culture that promotes macho men asKings who rule alone. This fucked up male psychology is why you can'trush into your man's life with a cape on as if that will solve the underlyingissues. A man has to be a man, but even a man needs emotional support. Sohow do you help the person you love rise above their own self-doubtwithout causing more insecurities? You develop an unconditional trust thatlowers his guard and extends his boundaries in the following ways...

The Man Who Hasn't Made It

Success means different things to different people, but the measuring stickthat most men use are other men. Don't be of the mind that if yourboyfriend has material things and talks about various moves he's making,that he feels successful, is successful, or is on his way to being successful.Use your brain to go beneath the surface. Look at your man's life. How oldis he and how advanced into his career is he? If you dated like a Spartan,you know what age he is but you also know his position, and how long he'sbeen doing his current job. A 27-year-old man working in tech support,looking to advance to a network administrator will most likely have adifferent outlook than a 37-year-old man whose rise in a company hasreached the ceiling at tech support. He has a decent salary, he can affordthings that someone who works a lower paying job may see as luxurious,but when he looks at other men his age he doesn't see that he's making aliving, he sees that he's behind them. When he looks at his new co-workers,he doesn't see himself being a veteran, he sees himself doing the same job aguy ten years younger is doing at roughly the same pay rate. Consider beingin his position for a moment. Do you go home and cry to your girlfriendabout how life sucks and ask for suggestions? If you were raised to beunconditionally strong then you suck it up and smile. Have a drink to forget,have sex to feel like you're still a man, spend money on things to show thatyou're a winner, and then go back to that depression when no one is payingattention to your circus act. That's life for this kind of man.

Maybe you have a boyfriend who doesn't have a career that comeswith the stress of moving up, he has a regular job. He clocks in and clocksout, is told when to take a lunch break, and he can be told he has to stay lateor come in early, depending on his bosses wishes. To have a boss at a higherlevel in terms of an advancing career doesn't come with this slave likeroutine. If it does, it's balanced by having others under his supervision,which makes him feel less like a little submissive bitch, and more like aleader. At a low level, there is no bright side. Your boyfriend feels like shitbecause he does have a boss, he does have to ask another man permission,and he does feel emasculated by a time clock. While he can claim, "As longas my direct deposit hits, I'll do anything," that's not true. He wants to be aboss, but can't. Which makes him just another cog in the machine, and thathurts his pride. When going to school, a job is a means to provide untilgraduation, it doesn't bother a man on a deep level. When gatheringexperience or trying to gain entry into a larger company, a job is still ameans to an end, it doesn't sting his pride. However, if your boyfriend isworking where virtually anyone can get hired, and he's been there for yearswith no end in sight, will he feel like a winner?Finally, let's look at guys with hustle jobs, musicians, businessmen,property investors, promoters, any job where it is on him to bring in moneyor close a deal. When dating a guy who is on the verge of greatness, or isliving a fast life where money seems as if it's no issue, it will blind you towhat's under the surface. It's common for a woman to think that justbecause a man isn't lying about his career, then it's all good; they rarelythink deeper. To talk to a guy with these bright ideas about launching an appor opening up for a performer who can give them a big break, hypnotizesyou. It signals that they have it all under control, that they are fearless, butagain look at the success they have had so far. A barber trying to open hisown shop for over a year knows how it looks to the outside world, they seehim as a fraud. A rapper or singer with some local buzz, but hasn't reachedreal fame, knows that people are dismissing him as just another guy whowill never be as big as Trey Songz. Even a man with money fromsomething like real estate, construction, fashion, or a public relations firm,is in the same boat as the 37-year-old tech support guy, because while theyaren't going to starve, they have pressure on them to do better based onthose men who are doing it bigger and better every day. To keep tellingpeople they're about to close that million-dollar deal from their million-dollar idea, that never materializes, makes them feel like failures. The costof living mixed with the cost of maintaining their business or profession,drains them financially and emotionally.

Put yourself into the shoes of any of those men. Their dreams haven'tquite worked out, and all you have to do is look at the effort they've put into see if he's rising, at a stand-still, or on the verge of falling. If you are in abetter position than he is, that hurts, but he keeps quiet. If he hears aboutguys you used to date who were successful, even when pointing out that heis a better boyfriend, he still feels like less of a man. All of these things hehides. Why? If you were to see his horrid financial statements, you wouldjudge him as wasteful or stupid for letting his debt spin out of control.Maybe you would tell other people that he's struggling, and this exposeshim as just another ordinary man who may never rise to the top. These menhide their emotions, flash money, spend extravagantly, and party like it's allgood, but are slowly falling apart under your watch. So what do you do tohelp someone that fears being judged?

Do not go out looking to meet people who can help him, do notcollect business cards of people in his industry, do not seek someone whoknows someone that can hook your boyfriend up, and do not wait until yousee the stress in his face after a bad day to chime in with, "Maybe youshould do it this way." All of those things emasculate him. As a womanwho has just come into his life, telling him he doesn't know shit about howto be a success, and then giving him a boost, will break him. The intentionsare pure, but him needing help projects back as him not being capable.Instead, you need to open up the dialogue, not to stroke his ego, but to lethim know he can let you in on his fears. The moment you suspect that hemay not be happy, he's been worked to death, he's stressing over a deal thatdidn't happen, he's having beef with a supervisor or boss, or he's ventingabout life in terms of his position, don't be just a shoulder, be a journal.This technique goes: Bring up how things are going in hisprofessional life, don't push, simply ask him. Listen, and like a journalentry, you read it back. "So the one guy who was supposed to invest in theproject, is saying that he has to wait for his money to free up?" He willconfirm this, and keep going because hearing it back will make him addanother two cents. "This is the second time he's done that, and I can't affordto wait around." It doesn't seem proactive at first, but it's the first step ingaining his trust, similar to what therapists do. You think you're paying allthis money per hour for them to tell you solutions, but they're repeatingwhat you said, so you can open up enough to work towards your ownsolution. Once you establish that a man will share these thoughts, don'tforce your opinion, make being his journal a normal thing. By chiming in,"You need to just find a new investor or maybe I can find someone." You'redoing the exact same thing as mentioned earlier, undermining him. Insteadof taking over, gain his trust, and build on it.

After he opens up, no matter if he gives a little or a lot, thank him.Literally, say "thank you for talking to me about this stuff, it means a lot."Mothers and other girlfriends, maybe even ex-wives, were probably in thehabit of judging him. Scolding him for his mistakes. You aren't tied to thisman's life so deep at this point where you're on the line, you're simply hisgirlfriend, which means you aren't supposed to save him, you're supposedto build trust so he feels comfortable letting you deeper into his world.Establish this journal routine. It could take a week or it could takemonths, don't rush it. Remember, you aren't being a cheerleader, there is no"You got this baby, I believe in you." Fuck that noise. Talk to a man like aman, don't coddle him. Saying affirming things based on the fact that youlove him, not based on him making a smart move, will only fuel him tokeep doing the same shit. Play it straight and be affectionate in other waysfor now. Once you establish that you can say, "how was it going with suchand such," and he sits down and opens up in detail, his trust has beenearned. From there, show that you have been paying attention by offeringsolutions that have been thought out. No one wants to hear common senseresponses like, "Try harder. Find a new job. Go to HR." Show him youaren't like other women by thinking outside of the box in terms of offeringhelp. He may take it, he may not take it, but the point is you tried to helphim out in a progressive and non-condescending way.

In terms of your personal relationship, what does his response to yourhelp tell you about his character? You are still playing this game of life, stillrevealing compatibility, don't shake it off as if things will get better.Observe how he opens up, but also, how he responds to solving his internalstrife. You can't seriously continue on with a man who doesn't learn, whoonly wants to complain, and who dismisses anything you say because he'scommitted to doing things his way even when it's not working. A man likethis is destructive and self-defeating. This isn't something you could havesniffed out during dating, again, this is one of those "wait until therelationship" situations you go through to further prove if he is or isn'thusband material.

The Man Who Struggles with Money

Money ruins more relationships than cheating, bank on that. When youbecome husband and wife, even if you keep your finances separate, moneyor lack thereof, is most likely to become the issue that leads to the biggestresentment. He can't afford the house you want to move into, but he doesn'ttell you, he tries to make it work because he's ashamed. He can't afford thebaby you want, but says nothing; by the time that kid is starting school, he'sstill trying to figure out ways to bring in extra cash. He got you hooked onexpensive gifts, and in order to keep up the appearance of a provider, he'sstaying at a job he hates so he can afford you. He can't take a financial riskand start a business because he has to be practical in order to maintain thelifestyle you two started. Instead of going to you to figure it out together, hesecretly begins to hate you for holding him back. These are common issuesin marriages that lead to divorce, but they should never have made it to thealtar in the first place! A relationship is the time to discover moneyproblems, bad spending habits, credit scores, and future financial goals.Let's keep it real, women don't want to talk about money with men. Mostmen don't have as much as they feel they need, and you don't want to insulthis manhood. At the dating stage, you can hint at this, but in an actualrelationship you need to ask these hard questions.

A funny Ho Tactics story was sent to me by a girl who hooked amark, then tried to put a ring on him. Thinking she hit the sponsor lottery,she made her trick her man, only to find out that he was swimming in debtand needed her to help him out with a loan. "Why would a man buy me aChanel bag when he couldn't even pay his rent? Is sex that important toy'all," she was disgusted, but by that point she was in love and the Hobecame the trick. More men live on the bubble than women think. In yourown life, being broke may mean you only have your savings, with yourcurrent paycheck going to bills, so you claim to be too broke to buyanything extra. In a man's life broke means, there are no savings and he'staking his credit card to borrow this, and borrowing from this 401K to payfor that. All so he can go take you out to a $200 dinner date to prove thathe's not broke. See the difference? A man living paycheck to paycheck willgo to Dubai quicker than a man with real equity because 21st century maleslive in a world of "fuck it, I need to live." Keeping up with the Thots isn'tstressful to him when he's single. No one knows that he's splurging on shithe can't afford but him, so his secret is safe. Once he enters a relationship,these spending habits become harder and harder to hide.

It's easy to play the "I'm not broke game" when a man is dating youbecause the rug won't be pulled out financially during the courting stageunless something obvious happens like all his cards get declined or he hashis home foreclosed on. Most likely, a man living on the edge financiallywill keep this under wraps, no matter how good you vet him. Unlike the guywho comes to the date and asks you to pay half, he is too prideful to admitthat he's a broke dude trying to afford a luxury woman. He lets you orderwhatever and shows you his big tip. It's all about impressing you. Once youbecome his girlfriend, that's when you see what's really been going on. Theway he tries to avoid doing certain things, the mail notices you may see athis home, or the stress level that goes up for no apparent reason. A manwon't hide that he's upset about his job, he'll own up to that because workis work, but he will not volunteer that he's in debt, that he can't afford torepair his car, or that the random calls coming to his cell phone are forstudent loans he owes. Regardless, you will know that he's hidingsomething, and trust, it's not another woman.

Use your brain, not your heart. You know how much things cost, youknow your boyfriend's job, and you know what that averages out to even ifyou're not sure of his ancillary bills. Can he afford the lifestyle he's livingwhen you do the math in your head? At this point, are you going to be thegirlfriend who goes out to an expensive dinner and assumes he has it, asksfor red bottoms knowing he will buy it, and plans a fancy future with a manyou think is balling? Or do you do the math and observe his behavior?Typical women don't think about a man's money; the same way a bratteenager spends Daddy's money as if their father has it to burn because henever breaks her heart by saying, "no, princess, Daddy's in the struggle,"they help their boyfriends throw away money. You are smarter than that,you know that a man with an ego will never tell you "no" he will tell you"yes" and then figure out a way to make you happy. "Well that's dumb, heshouldn't do that, I don't really need those things." No shit, but it happensmore than you think, so pay attention now because it will burn you later.If your boyfriend works for the post office as a clerk making upwardsof 50k a year and that's going to be his job for the rest of his life until he'sold enough to retire, there's a limit to his finances. Even if he has someadditional side hobby job that makes him an extra few hundred a month,understand that if he tries to spend like an NBA rookie whose minimum is500k, then he will be destitute in a month. A good job with benefits shouldbe looked at like an adult who understands the cost of living, not like ahoodrat who thinks that anyone with a government job is balling. Even at100k, tax rates, housing, and debt can leave your boyfriend with less moneythan a man who works in the Macy's stock department and lives with hismother, because that Macy's Dick doesn't have a bill outside of Sprint. Norent because his mother pays it, a hand me down car with no car payment,and no education loan because he didn't go to college. Macy's Dick canafford every color of Air Jordan, endless video games, and even fly down toMiami to blow money fast, because he lives like a teenager; no bills, alldisposable income. Your boyfriend may go broke trying to replicate that. Asa logical woman, you may think only an idiot would live life in this manner,and given that your boyfriend is intelligent, you don't understand why hewould try to stunt on someone he's better than.

Here are the reasons men getting into pissing competitions with eachother, and why you must be observant. If a man who doesn't have a fancyjob is driving around the city in a car better than him, how does that makeyour boyfriend feel? If a man whose only job is "dropping bars onSoundcloud," is on Instagram living a larger life, how does that make yourboyfriend feel? If the guy who works below him on the job is taking trips toexotic locations and coming back with stories about how foreign chickslove his accent, an insecure man will want to compete. Hos love flash, andmen love hos, you get the picture. By the time this man with a good careeror well-paying job, meets up with you, he's probably in the habit ofspending over his means. You didn't become his girlfriend for the money, itwas a plus that he spent so generously, but it was his character that won youover. That man doesn't know that fully, he can assume, but he isn't sure ifyou are materialistic or not. It's not your fault for only dating men whoknow how to treat at a high level, it was his fault for fronting. He was tryingto portray a dream life that left him broke, but it landed him his dream girl.Now he's stuck. How can he tell you that the interest rates, the back taxes,or the cost of maintaining what he has is piling up and he feels trapped? Hecan't.

This isn't your battle to fight, it's his. You may be able to afford tofinancially support a boyfriend or help here and there, but I have women inmy inbox who thought the same thing, and those money troubles neverstopped. If anything they increase when you add on things like bad businessdeals, medical emergencies, or a raise on child support from a previousrelationship. If a man isn't willing to talk about this, then you have to bringit up, and there is no easy way in. Ask! If you see signs of overspending orcareless purchases, inquire about it when you are together in private. Givehim your credit score, and ask about his, not to judge him, but so you canbuild financial trust. You don't need to ask him exactly what he makes ayear, you have an estimate from when you were dating; instead ask him ifhe has any big debts. Again, show him yours first. Meaning, if you oweDiscover card and Sallie Mae, bring it up in terms of how you plan toprogress from that debt. You aren't waiting to hit the Sex and The Citycasino game to pay off your bills, so share your plan, then ask what his planis if he does have chunks of debt. The key is to make these things easy totalk about by letting him know that he will not be judged. A man who feelsas if he can open up and be real as opposed to being a fake baller will do sobecause living with financial stress is lonely. You don't write him a check,you don't offer to pay a bill; you get him to confront what's going on, so hecan change his habits. You can also help by not adding to the mess. Youdeserve to go out to nice places, but it doesn't have to be a five-starrestaurant every month. You want a pair of shoes, but you know that manneeds to pay off his bills not add to them, so decline those types of gifts.If months go by and you're continuing to communicate about moneyin this open way, you should see a change. He should have created a budgetor his credit score should have risen. If he doesn't want to talk about it, oryou see that he's still splurging, then you have a huge fucking problem.Spending can be a drug, and like any narcotic, it won't just bring thatperson down it will bring you down with them. Don't be so loyal to a manthat you feel it's better to brush it under the rug and prevent an argument.He will continue to be that sweet loving guy, and romantically nothing willchange, but do you want to fall deeply in love and marry a man whoselifestyle will have you dipping into your savings, readjusting how manykids you can afford, and dragging down your credit? Do you want to be thatsuperwoman that took on a man's finances, he ends up leaving for newpussy, and you're the one left broke? Observe. Ask. Observe again to see ifanything changes. If they don't, walk away. Talking about money is onlyuncomfortable if you fear exposing the truth, but as a Spartan, your firstpriority is always getting to the truth of a man before things go too far.

The Man Who Wants to Compete with You

A story from Ronda Rousey's autobiography recalled her relationship witha fellow UFC fighter, a mediocre talent in the midst of a career declinewhen they were together. This boyfriend, who I will call Bull (she can'tname him in the book for the same reasons I can't name the women Imention here) would tell Ronda, who had just begun her historic rise to thetop, that she had it easy because she was fighting girls. At the time, shebrushed it off defensively, but it had an effect on her emotionally that shedidn't realize until they broke up. Think about that bitch check. Bull tellingRonda that her accomplishments were tainted would be like you rising tobecome C.E.O in a Nebraska-based company, and someone telling you itmeans nothing because you didn't pull it off in New York. Misery lovescompany, and as discussed above, a man's sense of self-worth is validatedby his success. To be a woman that has reached a high-level career wise oris bursting with ambition and on her way to something great, reminds a manwhat he could be...but isn't. Your success won't inspire certain men, itenrages them. How are you able to keep positive, to hustle, to push on, tonot only climb, but reach the top? A weak man can never figure out yourcode to success, so his best option is to bring you down to his level.How do you take away a woman's power? By making her feel guiltyfor having it. A man will slowly mind-fuck you, chipping away week byweek, month by month, until your self-esteem is reduced to nothing. Whenyou were dating, you were supposed to look for these signs, maybe theyweren't there, maybe his life was on an upswing. The relationship him,however, may have fallen on hard times, and needs someone to take it outon. No matter if this was always in your boyfriend or a trait he's developingbased on a new situation that broke his spirits, it's unacceptable. You go outto dinner, and you reach for the check to be nice, "Okay, big money, I seehow it is," said with a smirk is hostile. You are shopping for a new car andat first, he's happy and doesn't mind helping, then he's blowing you off asif he doesn't have time to go look. You graduate from school, and while hegets you flowers and a card, you can sense by his vibe that he's phoning itin emotionally. You come up with an idea for a business or want to changecareers, and he greets you with 100 reasons it won't work, without evergiving you one reason it could. These are real life examples that I've seen,and women who don't understand what's going on turn the other cheek.You can judge people who stay in abusive relationships, brag about how noman could ever Ike Turner you, but few understand the subtle abusehappening every day which leads to that bigger abuse. If a man sees thatyou allow him to call you stupid, he will keep doing it. If he sees you shrinkwhen he insults one of your physical features, he will keep pushing thatbutton. If a man sees he can make you cry with his words, and then makeyou wet with his kiss, he will keep playing that game!Spartans don't compete with anyone, man or woman. The day you seeyour boyfriend trying to overcompensate by spending money he doesn'thave, trying to make you jealous with other women, or using bitch checksto eat at your confidence, let that become the day you go back to beingsingle. Some problems are based on misunderstanding ormiscommunication, those are solvable. A dark and nasty attitude towardsyou based on his own failures can only be resolved inside of that man. Youcan't fix a man; you can offer him a wrench, but he has to do the repairs.This may happen deep into a relationship when you're already in love andhe's been the best boyfriend up to that point. You won't want to give up onhim, you will want to talk it out, suggest therapy, or you may even take hisside and come up with some asinine excuse for his actions that make itunderstandable. Do not revert to weak bitch behavior as if this man isirreplaceable. To show someone nothing but love, and have them rewardyou with hostility and resentment is unforgivable. A man that hates himselfso much that he wants to take something strong and beautiful and turn herinto something weak and sad isn't a man at all. It's always better to sleepalone than to sleep with the enemy.