Day to day relationship life is the goal you were aiming for, that placewhere you know him and he knows you. No one is trying to play games,and you can settle into doing all the happily-in-love things that couplesdo...or so you thought. Even when a man measures up to your screeningstandards, you do as much vetting as dating allows, and you have your ownlife in order, it doesn't guarantee a happy ending or even a smoothbeginning. The honeymoon period in terms of a new relationship is usuallythe first three to six months after you two make it official. Things are goodand there are no legitimate beefs other than the occasional, "I miss you,"separation anxiety that comes from spending a lot of time with a person.He's great, you're great, and together you're happy, but then, the universethrows obstacles in your way that are outside of your individual control.Are these signs that it's not going to work or are these tests meant tostrengthen your bond? If you are a Spartan, you understand there is alwaysa method to your madness.
Never look at the bumps in the road as bad things, look at them asdrills that train and prepare you. "Why is this happening, I just want to behappy," stop being so damn dramatic. Understand that your game of lifewill only challenge you in order to grow you, to solidify a truth or to ripapart a lie. You wanted something serious, right? This next level will proveor disprove how serious this new relationship is, by throwing one, if not allof the following hurdles at you...
Family or Friend Interference
Friends and Family operate on two stages. When you're casually dating,you are seen as a non-threat by his family or group of friends, anddepending on your circle, the man is usually seen as a non-threat as well.Just another guy trying to lock you down who may or may not be aroundnext week. Few people are looking at the two of you like, "Oh, they'regoing to be together forever," you may have a fan in his mother, and he mayhave a fan in your best friend, but this isn't the first person they have seenyou date or take an interest in, so why would they get emotionally invested?Once you switch over to being official, things get interesting. The familymembers that embraced you during dating may talk behind your back.Those friends of yours who liked your guy may admit they don't like him;they were just staying out of your business. For those that care about himand those that truly care about you, they need to see proof this is alegitimate person with real intentions. The smile and get along stage hasended, and you could be left stuck in the middle of personal bias that can ripyou two apart.
I get an enormous amount of "mama's boy" emails where women aresuddenly blindsided when a man's mother fights to keep him tied to her hipas if he were her husband as opposed to your boyfriend. One story thatcomes to mind is a good example that shows how a man who is not atypical mama's boy, can still be influenced by outside interference. Therewas a woman we'll call Miss Tanya, who had a son and a daughter. Thedaughter was married to a man who was a deadbeat, but she didn't seem tocare; her investment wasn't in her idiot daughter but in her smart andhandsome son. Miss Tanya's son Kenny had the potential to do great thingsand needed a woman to fit Mama's vision. Kenny began dating a womanMiss Tanya referred to as, "a 5 out of 10," so I'll call her Lady Five. MissTanya first met Lady Five early in the relationship when Kenny had to stopby his mother's house. Miss Tanya looked Lady Five up and down, andmarveled at her pretty smile, and even invited Lady Five in. This proved tobe fake, as when Kenny saw his mother a day later and asked what shethought, she replied, "She's a 5 out of 10, but better than the redbone withthe kid you brought by." Kenny actually told Lady Five this joke...twomonths later once they were in a relationship.
It was at this two-month mark, that Miss Tanya realized her son'srelationship may have legs. Suddenly Miss Tanya begins to call Kennyduring his nights over Lady Five's house, telling him she needed him hometo do things in the morning. One week it was the cable man, the next weekit was a package that may get stolen, and one night she even made Kennydrive to her home because she thought someone was trying to get into thebasement window. When Kenny brought Lady Five along to check for thepotential burglar, that's when the game was fully understood. Lady Fivetold me that the look Miss Tanya gave her when she came walking inbehind her son could have melted steel. The next plot revolved aroundKenny's nephew. Miss Tanya had the little boy Facetime Kenny somethinglike, "you don't come around anymore. You have a girlfriend now." Clearly,he was reciting what Miss Tanya told him to say in order to make Kennyguilty. In response, Lady Five set up a play date with her cousin's son. Nowthe sister, who liked Lady Five initially, jumped on board the hate train. Shetold Kenny he wasn't allowed to have her son around Lady Five becauseshe took her son around project kids who taught him to curse. This was inresponse to Miss Tanya saying something along the lines of, "he didn't saythat word until last weekend when he was with that girl." Once again, MissTanya was putting thoughts in her children's heads, and Lady Five wasforced to sit back and hear all of this second-hand from Kenny.
We have Kenny's sister and nephew now in the mess, but it getsbetter. Lady Five felt as if she wasn't being heard, but she loved Kenny anddecided to let it go. That was until Kenny's ex-girlfriend spotted them atsome local restaurant and gave Lady Five the third degree about the part ofthe city she was from, who she knew, and who she dated before Kenny.Lady Five felt unprotected by, what was supposed to be her man, allowing awoman to talk to her recklessly. By the next week, Kenny's ex begantexting him. Telling him to watch his back, and coming with stories aboutLady Five being an opportunist. Kenny's ex even sent him an arrest recordof Lady Five's father who had struggled with drug use years earlier. Thiswas to somehow prove that Lady Five was some poor girl looking to hitchher family to Kenny's wagon because Kenny was young, had a great career,and no children, something apparently rare in their city. This should havenever made it back to Lady Five, Kenny should have handled it, but insteadKenny asked if it were true. Despite Lady Five defending her reputation,Kenny began to act differently. He didn't want to pay on their datesanymore or spend the night as often. After a few weeks of dodgy behavior,Lady Five confronted Kenny about his attitude and the lack of time beingspent. Kenny responded, "You tell me, Mafia." This was referring to astupid nickname Lady Five had when she was younger, based on her love ofJunior Mafia member Lil Kim's rap lyrics. Only close friends in highschool called her that. Somehow, in the hands of Kenny's ex-girlfriend, thisbecame Lady Five's Ho Name that the local guys knew her by. "I think hismother set all of this up. She called his ex-girlfriend to dig up dirt, andwhen they found out I didn't have any, they made up a story," that was LadyFive's theory about why her relationship collapsed. Lady Five was emailingme about a new problem with a new guy. This was the story she told me inher introductory email to point out why she had trust issues, a full two yearsafter Kenny broke up with her and got back with that ex-girlfriend.Learn from Lady Five's passive reaction to being bullied andslandered; understand that you can't respect anyone to the extent where youlet them play you. Most women sit with arms folded, and say they wouldnever allow this, and maybe they wouldn't if it were just woman on woman,but add a man to the mix and things change. To take on his loved onesmeans that it's a slim chance that you will ever be welcomed into thatfamily, but that's the risk you can't be afraid to take. Family interferencemust be confronted head on, not brushed under the carpet.
This isn't only on the man's side, it's on your side as well. If you feelas if someone is giving you a cold shoulder or fake smile, you don't killthem with kindness, suffer through the times when you see them and goabout living your life. Haters become cancers in the ears of those getting toknow you, and it will spread fast and kill your reputation if you don't takeaction. His mother, sister, or grandmother don't like you but they sit thereand make conversation. You see the condescending looks or you hearsomething said in passing. Mention it to your boyfriend immediately, not sohe can buck up and go back to his family and say, "You better stop it," hewon't disrespect those that raised him, but he will need to inquire about thecause. If this man is to be someone you build a future with he has to bebrave enough to defend you in a way that bridges the divide, not somechickenshit who says, "That's how they are, ignore them." A King can beboth protective of his Queen and respectful of his family. A man who turnsa blind eye shows you what he's made of.
Your engagement party, your wedding, the birth of your child, theyare not situations where you want to feel uncomfortable because some weakbitches feel threatened by your power. To go with the flow, means you areguilty of allowing yourself to be victimized. If his friends, boy or girl, haveulterior motives and are looking to drudge up dirt, to cast doubt on yourpast, or say something slick to you in private, then stand up and put an endto it the moment it happens. Not by fighting, by cursing them out, or bygoing to him and making ultimatums. Defer the argument and tell him tohandle his friends, in the same way you would want the opportunity tohandle your friends if the roles were reversed. "If you don't handle it, Iwill," doesn't come out of a Spartan's mouth. Pride will make you want toact like an ape and flare up on anyone who you feel is trying to play you,but you can't give into that primate behavior. You are a woman withintelligence, not some middle school ratchet swinging fists for the Vine.The moment a man fails to come to your aid in dealing with his people, thenthere is nothing to be handled because he has proven to lack the true heartof a man you could one day marry. You didn't give up on him, he gave upon you.
In terms of your own friends or family having something to say; leadby example. Don't leave it in his hands to go confront them, and don't rushto take a side of someone new over someone old. Get to the bottom bycommunicating. The entire process of finding love was about being fearless,and in friendship, you must behave with the same courage. You don't knowwhy your mother gives your boyfriend mean stares, why your brothermakes smart comments, or why your best friend is telling people your manwas flirting with her, but you need to go to those sources and inquire aboutwhat's actually going on. You know your family and you know yourfriends, you know who has an attitude, who exaggerates, who never lies,and who lies all the time. How you both react to outside sources, that youcare about but who test you, will tell you how strong your bond hasbecome. This isn't drama that will ruin your perfect world, it's a revelationthat there are things which must be corrected if you are to stay together. Ifyou can't stand up to a person's family now, you won't do it later, and youwill end up miserable. If you can't stand up to your own family or are afraidthat you will be seen as taking sides, then you will make the person thatwants to be with you miserable. Not all family or friend issues can bepatched up, but they can be carved out so you can identify the problem, andmake sure that whoever it is, will never interfere with your happiness.
Different Life Goals
You want marriage, so does he. You want kids, so does he. You want to stayin this city, so does he. While dating, these things are talked about looselyand in a generalized way. However, when you are actually together thosesame topics become real and inconsistencies pop up. Big wedding or moneysaving wedding is a serious question not an "in a perfect world" wish. Whodoesn't want to own a big house? The style, location, and color, fantasy talkbecomes a conversation about credit scores and down payments, again avery serious conversation to have with someone who may not make it ayear with you. How many kids? This is no longer a Brady Bunch dreamscenario, it comes with the reality that you have to push those kids out, andhe has to make enough money to afford you being sidelined with those kids.Those are heavy conversations to have with someone new, but they willcome up, and that is where the divide begins.
One of you may not be on the same page, and the other will feel as ifthey are wasting time if this relationship won't end in their imaginedmarried, nuclear family, still living in the hometown, dream. Actualrelationships force you to think, "The fantasy sounds wonderful, but how dowe actually afford that without it crippling us?" Most women assume theirboyfriend wants what they want, only to hear him tell a friend or third partysomething counter. "Man, I don't even think I want kids...Weddings arestupid...I think I may want to move down south next year..." You can'twait to overhear that the man you are recently attached to really doesn'twant your ideal life. No matter what he hinted at while dating, you have torevisit the topic of goals before you get in too deep.
A frequent new relationship problem I get is when a boyfriend wantsto move to another city or even country for job opportunities, afterpreviously ruling that as out of the question. A new job opportunity pops upand it's "Fuck this city. I'm moving, how about you?" A man has his ownlife agenda and he doesn't curtail that for other people, especially one he'sjust falling in love with. Males have no problem putting themselves first,they don't feel guilty, it's a survival instinct. He has to move to where hefeels he will have the most success, and unlike average females, love is notwhat he includes in that success box. You've seen this before, a man isconfident that he can find a new woman, it's career or financial opportunitywhich he fears he will never get another shot at. When a guy moves to thebeat of his own drum instinctively but gets in a relationship with you, thatdoesn't mean he will settle down for you. Suddenly he says, "Hey, I got ajob offer, if it goes through I'm leaving." It's not something you can putyour foot down and stop. Arguing that if he truly loves you he would stay,will get you dumped. It will always be his career over you. Which brings upthe heart of this problem, follow your dreams or follow your heart? There are women who don't have any goals besides being marriedand having children; a girl relocating for love is as common as a blue sky. ASpartan always puts her goals and interests ahead of a relationship.There may be a need to compromise at times, but you must weigh the cost.Can you do what you love in the same place as him? Can you have as manychildren as he wants to have, and still follow your dreams? Instead ofwaiting to see what your boyfriend wakes up one morning and decides isyour future, decide for yourself what this relationship, or any futurerelationship, is worth sacrificing. He's a boyfriend, not a husband, yourloyalty to his life is misplaced if you think following behind him means hewill appreciate it and reward you. I've met more women who moved andended up getting left, than those that moved and it worked out. A man willtry to sell you on moving with him. He's afraid, he wants companionship,but the moment he becomes comfortable in that city, will he need you?What if his move can lead to you making an even bigger move?That's called an opportunity, so take it! If it's about your life, not playingthe wife, then you're ahead of the curve because you are already mentallyprepared to cut him off and still thrive in your new location. I worked withthis producer whose girlfriend left him a month after coming to LosAngeles, she was every bitch in the world when telling me the story, but inmy mind, she was smart. Clearly she came for the opportunity, not the man,and when she realized the relationship would not work, she quickly dumpedhim because her plans weren't dependent on him. I juxtapose that story withone where my wife's former classmate moved to Los Angeles to be withher boyfriend. He didn't think the city was to his liking and went back toNew York. She couldn't leave, as her parents sacrificed their savings tosend her across the country. The man wasn't loyal to her struggle, he puthimself first and flew back to NYC. She remained miserable for over a year,sunk into depression, developed a drinking problem, and finally went backto the home she never wanted to leave. Men put their dreams first, and soshould you; not out of ego, but out of your own want to conquer life.All of those late night talks about ambition don't mean shit when putto the test. People imagine what life will be, but opportunities that spring upcan't be imagined. The fun of your game is that it could take you anywhere,but remember, if these life choices don't benefit your true self, then everymove you make based on a whim or for a man's love, will prove ill-fated.His goals must line up with your goals, not the other way around. There isno need to declare, "I follow my ambitions, so it's my way or the highway,"to your boyfriend during the first month. Know it in your heart. Share yourdreams as he shares his from the outset, but be prepared to have the courageof your convictions if they begin to differ.
Moving Too Fast
You become boyfriend and girlfriend after a few weeks, you move in after afew months, you get engaged in less than six months, you get marriedwithin a year, those types of relationships are like the Powerball; the oddsdon't point to you pulling it off. There are so many factors that determine ifa relationship lasts at the marriage level which you must take your timewith. Going in with hubris and expecting your greatness to outweighlearning a man is asking to be checked. Yes, you feel a deep love for thisperson, and it hasn't dropped off after the honeymoon stage, but thatdoesn't mean rush in. "My best friend's cousin met a guy and they gotengaged after only a few months, and now they're on their honeymoon."This is said by typicals as if it's something to aspire to; the relationshipequivalent of getting rich quick, but it points to a dangerous ignorance.Humans fall in love with others humans who they don't fully know, everyday. Love itself is not proof of long term compatibility, you must know aperson like the back of your hand before you even consider getting marriedor even engaged. You don't accept offers of forever just because heasked. Typicals chase a ring because it represents validation. A man notonly thinks she's good enough to marry, but it didn't take him long todecide, so she accepts with a swollen ego. She's imagining her bridesmaidsdress, the color of the flower arrangement, the haters reacting when they seeher Facebook pictures. These thirsty women never think about the day afterthe wedding and if the man she's yet to see the worst of, can handle thepressure of being legally bound. This isn't about you being good enough,it's about him being good enough. Understand that you don't move at aman's pace, society's pace, or at a speed determined by how quickly youwant to quench that, "I need to be married by this age, or I'm a loser," fear.Let's say your boyfriend is more in love with you than you are withhim, this isn't a bad thing, it's to be expected in Sparta. He wants to havechildren with you because he's one of those men who's obsessed withreproducing, and he feels that you would be the perfect mother. "Why notjust start a family?" Is the motto. He may say this or he may hint. The nextthing you know, he's not reaching for a condom, and in the moment of that"you know I'm going to marry you and take care of you" passion, you givein. Oops pregnant. He may be the type who talks about it with you openlyand convinces you to get off birth control. This is the comedy of, "let's seewhat happens" as if you don't know what happens when sperm fertilizes anegg. One girl told me that her boyfriend's sales pitch was, "Let's have sexnormally, and if nothing happens in two months, get back on it. But if youget pregnant that's God's way of telling us it was meant to be." She gotpregnant, and they never got married or even stayed together! That's whathappens when you pressure yourself to do what other people want under thecover of fate. You determine your destiny, and when you allow yourself tobe led, you give your power to that person. Your true self won't stop youfrom transferring your power, but the universe will play out in a way thattells you that you fucked up! Be a Queen Regnant not a Queen Consort. Nomatter if he has Lil Wayne level baby fever or if you saw a chubby kid inthe store that lit your maternal fire, know your goals and put them first.If you want to be married before you have a child, be married. If youwant to be established before you have a child, be established. If you wantto wait for any reason before becoming a mother, then there should be nopressure that makes you shortchange your ambitions. The pressure of men,the pressure of time, the pressure of other people reminding you that even ifyou get married, it's not guaranteed that you will stay together. What arethose? They are doubting forces, causing you to go in a direction you aren't100% sure about. As a Spartan, you know what you want, and you knowthat to compromise yourself for the benefit of others or to rush becauseyou're on a time clock, points to fear! You may never be shit in life, so youmay as well have this baby now with a guy that wants you. That isnegativity which points to you needing to bend your rules because you fearfailure. You will get what you want and you must not listen to this shitabout, "you know you're getting older," or "Let's start a family, you know Ilove you." Never settle for anything less than the vision you keep inyour head! You have the power to tell him, "no." You have the power toassure yourself that it will happen as it is supposed to happen, and not betime crunched. You have all the power when it comes to the when and whoof reproducing. Take your time and be smart.
Moving on to cohabitating. I know a woman that let her boyfriend ofall of two months move in with her. He spent most nights at her apartment,it was like he lived there, so why not make it legit. They split the bills,money wasn't an issue, they didn't find out anything crazy about eachother's living habits, and it was good sex wise. I told her that she wasmoving too fast, but for nearly a year it worked, and she loved to remindme, "see, there's no such thing as too fast when the love is real." I washappy for her and glad to be proven wrong... then she texts me at 4 am inthe morning, saying he moved all of his shit out and she doesn't know whatto do. All of this right before their one-year anniversary. So why did itcrumble? Pressure. When you move at an accelerated rate, you can say youneed to slow down, but you can't emotionally hit a switch. You get in thehabit of keeping the train going at that same speed.
People will always stick their nose in your relationship, most of thetime they're trying to throw shade by suggesting you should already befurther along than you are. To hear people ask you over and over again,"when are you going to get married," weighs on a person. When you are ina long relationship that question is to be expected, but when you've onlybeen together for a matter of months, you shouldn't get that question.Moving in made the people around her apply that pressure sooner. Are youliving together just to live together? Does this man actually want to marryyou? Why are you shacked up with a man who isn't your husband? You mayas well get married, you're being his wife anyway. Guilt is a motherfuckerbecause it pulls at a part of you that feels the same way. There's no suchthing as laying a guilt trip on someone who doesn't feel guilty, but this girllegitimately felt as if she moved too fast and that she was giving away toomuch just to cuddle up and split a cable bill. This man was laying up withher each night, beating up the kitty, no ring on her finger...she neverwanted to be that girl. This made her feel as if she played herself. Inresponse to this guilt, she dropped hints. Picked out wedding pictures frommagazines, asked his opinions on wedding topics, etc. The pressure was on,but her live-in boyfriend told her he wasn't ready to think about thosethings. Imagine yourself in her shoes, a man lives with you but doesn'twant to talk about marriage in a real way. Predictably she becamedefensive in a "you want me to play the role of wife, but you don't want meto actually be your wife," way and their relationship suffered. There weretwo options for this guy, propose or leave. He made the smart choice.This situation could have been avoided if they took their time and lettheir relationship build to moving in. In your story, there may be aboyfriend who pushes you to move fast. So, how do you handle a man whowants to move in together? To tell him, "No, I'm not ready," sounds mean.It's telling him that all the stuff about being serious is a lie. Don't fall foryour own guilt. To live with a man is to be his wife in everything but name.It's so tempting because it allows you to show a man how great of a wifeyou will make, how happy you two will be when it's for real, but while itsaves you money, it also lowers your value. During the date like a Spartanphase, you were positioned in a way where you came off as unique, aspecial occasion, something that must be had. To turn around early intoyour relationship and give a man that has only earned the title of boyfriendthe benefits of a husband tells him that he's won. His feet are up, his effortis complete, and just like that girl who stays in that "exclusive butunofficial" situationship, you will not be upgraded anytime soon if at all.Even in a relationship, you are worse off than women in situationships. Theultimatum you will have to make is, "So when are we going to do this forreal?" It's too late, it is for real.
You are giving him everything you would give him as a wife, so whywould he buy you a ring, pay for a wedding, just to do the same thing he'salready doing? Living with someone before marriage is a smart step, itopens up that world of true home living, but it's something that you make aman earn, so he doesn't get complacent. As in the story of the girl whoseboyfriend moved out in the middle of the night, waiting alleviates pressure,because before you move in, there should be a conversation about whatmoving in means. This isn't about being able to wake up with him, beingable to consolidate bills or the convenience of being closer to your workcommute. Those are basic bitch reasons for moving in with a man. Both ofyou must discuss moving in as a huge step that points towards marriage.This shouldn't be done passively, "oh my roommate is moving out, movein." Give yourself a year. Sit and talk about what's to be expected, andcommunicate your motives. This bullshit assuming and hinting has to bereplaced by real conversations. Moving in should either happen after anengagement or be treated as a pre-curser to an engagement. Which means itshouldn't come within the first six months. The day you two decide tocohabitate should not only feel special, it should signify a move towardsforever. Never assume that this is understood by a man, spell it out for him.
Becoming Too Routine
When you are not in a relationship, you long for the mundane activities thatcouple do. Relationship memes showing a boyfriend and girlfriend playwrestling, him combing her hair, goofing around in the bathroom, playingvideo games, etc...it projects as even more romantic or sweet than imagesof flowers or vacations, because it's the small things that are so attainable,yet so far away that makes the heart ache. Single women miss those minuteexpressions of companionship, but for those in a relationship--they're overit. I didn't write Ho Tactics to be a Sugar Baby manual, my intention was tohelp women in boring relationships get treated the same as women who areconsidered new pussy are treated in terms of excitement, creativity, andpampering. The concept came from my inbox being bombarded by womenwho reached the relationship stage, but who were now stuck in the houseevery night with the exception of the occasional trip to Strugglebees and amatinee movie. "I'm boring, and I like the house," may have been true, butany woman who wastes her prime years doing the same shit every singlenight will eventually feel unattractive, unloved, and uninteresting. Traininga man to treat you like a Queen starts at the dating stage, and once a Spartanenters a relationship it becomes a partnership where you both find ways tospend time doing things that excite you as a couple. I want those womenjust becoming Spartans to do these things in a current relationship, so let'slook at how to light a fire when things have already gone cold.
Dating is more important in a relationship than when you're single. Ifyou two aren't going out, that's a problem. You can't sulk your way tochange. The moment you feel disinterest brewing, address it. The commonresponse is to catch an attitude, act passively, and then blow up on himwith, "You never take me anywhere!" Do you understand how that comesoff? We talked about communication being transparent, not letting thingserupt because you lack courage, and this is a specific example of that. Youshouldn't have to tell a man to buy you flowers, he should want to. Youshouldn't have to tell a man to take you somewhere you can dress up for, heshould want to. You shouldn't have to beg him to go to an event thatinterests you, he should want to. Before you can get on that soapbox about"he should," ask yourself what kind of man your boyfriend is in terms ofromance? A young guy, still in undergrad, came to me after his girlfriendthreatened to break up due to him not being romantic enough. He didn'tunderstand what romance meant to her, but his romance meant beingconsiderate and asking how her day went, offering her food whenever hewas ordering for himself, and making sure if his dick didn't make her cum,he went to work with the mouth. He vented to me about all the things he didfor his woman, but like most men, he didn't get women.
He wasn't stupid, he just thought his basic affection was romantic. Hedidn't know that she wanted more traditional and outgoing expressionsbecause she never mentioned it until the breakup text. Some men arecavemen, and that's not a knock, it's truth. To assume that a man knowshow to be a Don Juan and then become angry with him without saying aword is immature as hell. You probably didn't introduce this treatment atthe roster stage because you didn't go through a roster stage like a Spartan.Doesn't matter, catch up by using the only thing that works: Your Voice.Don't assume your boyfriend knows what you're thinking, knows what youwant to do, or knows you expect more than Cheesecake Factory to go andcuddling on the couch every weekend. Romance isn't having sex and himgiving you a warm rag to clean off with or texting "I love you" everymorning. A man doesn't necessarily know that his romance is lackingbecause you say, "thank you, I love you, you're the best," based off of himnot doing anything special! The way he won you over wasn't by doinganything romantic, he took you to eat, complimented you, and made jokes--show me the romance in that. In relationships, it's expected that the otherperson either comes in with a definition of how to treat you or they learn toread your mind because you are afraid to say anything until it becomes anissue. This is not how you Spartan Up, it's how you grow apart.
If you are enjoying his normal romantic treatment, meaning notopenly complaining, then he feels he's doing a good job. You shouldn'thave to tell a man how to love you, but the way he's acting may be how heshows his love. Know who you entered a relationship with, is he a littleslow on the take? If so, then you will have to lead him by taking action. Ifsitting on the couch, both of you distracted by your phones, is how youspend most nights, then you need to upgrade your social life. Instead ofscrolling a timeline, search for something to do in your city, and do it. Iflaying on his chest while he plays Call of Duty is fun sometimes, but notfive days a week, then be forward and tell him, "Babe, you know I like todance, let's go do that on Friday." Basicas say stuff like, "Spoil me withyour time and love, not your money," give me a break! You need to bespoiled on all sides, a real woman recognizes the importance of beingpampered, taken out, and traditionally romanced. If he says he doesn't havethe time or suggest that you go with your friends, then you fucked up. Youchose the wrong man, and no matter how much you want to work it out,either you toss him now, or you grow depressed as his wife later. Let's sayyou were dealing with a man who used to treat you like a Queen when hewas trying to lock you down, but has fallen off since he landed you. SpartanUp and take it to his face with your words. This isn't a case of ignorance,it's a case of laziness. Point out what you would like to do, and dare him notto do it. If your boyfriend greets you with bullshit excuses or acts as if he'stoo tired or too busy to show you a good time, then why are you with him?Love should not glue you to a man who treats you as if you're a burden! Ifhe has time to do what he wants to do but is too busy to do anything withyou that isn't generic and routine, then help him out. Lighten his scheduleby removing yourself from his life. Now he's free to go find a bitch that'sthirsty for a man who just wants to lay up, fuck, and eat.
Past or Current Suitors
Men don't care that you have a boyfriend. Your relationship is not a dickrepellent; it actually works to attract more men to you. Your happiness, yourglow, that new dick smile that upgrades the resting bitch face, it's sotransparent. You may have had the driest phone in the world before yourcurrent bae, but in the weeks following your commitment, many men willpop up. This may seem harmless, but if it's not handled in a decisive way,you can and will allow outside forces to tear apart what you thought wouldbe something special. Let's first look at your ex-boyfriends and the guyswho you were only dating. Regardless of why you stopped talking, or whobroke up with who, they will reach out under the front of "just checking in,hope all is well." Once an old fling finds out that you have someone orthat you aren't quick to respond with the speed of a lonely bitch, theywill become aggressive. They don't know who you are with nor do theycare if they make you happy. Seeing a new man with his old girl lights afire. This competitive nature isn't about him realizing he messed up andwants you back, it's ego. Most women believe that a man coming back is anadmission that she was the right woman for him, and he simply wasn'tready. Bullshit! Men never come back to placeholders and upgrade them toGame Changers based on her having a new dick on the team, this is ahustle.
"You didn't want me then, so why are you coming back now?" is said inanger, but it makes a girl prideful. You are gassed off finally getting goodtreatment, the problem is, the treatment is due to another man possiblybeing better than him, not you being any better than when he left. Don't beTina Typical, feelings as if she's no longer a placeholder because a mancircles back. He didn't want you and he still doesn't want you. Exes can bepetty or they can be strategic. A petty ex will do something along the linesof liking the Instagram post of you and your new man, he knows that it willsignal your mind to respond with, "Why is he liking this...Why does heeven still follow me...Maybe he wants me back." It's a petty mind-fuck heuses to stay on your brain. To remind you that he's watching and to possiblytempt you into communicating behind your current boyfriend's back is hisaim. Men notice you, noticing them, noticing you. You're telling yourfriends he has started following you on social media, texting you, or calling.Why? Because you secretly love the attention.
A Spartan does not give a fuck about some ex showing up, liking apicture, sending a text, or any form of communication meant to snake hisway into her mind. She is too strong to fall for manipulation, and if youaren't, then you still have a long way to go. The other side of the coin is anex or an old "we used to talk," guy being aggressive and laying out astrategy to actively get a girl open. I've been that guy on the other end ofthe phone trying to squirm my way back into old pussy under falsepretenses. Not because I was jealous or wanted a do-over, I wanted to proveto myself that I was better than her new man. Understand this, don't let yourown ego lead you to believe a past man's interest admits anything morethan competition. I've had sex with virtually all of my exes after theymoved on to new guys, because I knew they were mentally vulnerable, theyhad egos that made them want to show me what I was missing, and in theend, meaningless sex was all they got, which is a waste of any woman'stime.
I will assume that if you are in a new relationship your old woundsare healed, and unlike my exes, you won't be talked into reuniting for onelast roll around. Regardless of your standards, you can't think because youaren't ever going to have sex or go back, that an old bae can't affect yourrelationship in other ways. The cool ex with a girlfriend but still flirts withyou, blocked. The guy you were dating, but want to put in the friendzonebecause he's funny, blocked. There is nothing wrong with having malefriends, but realize an opportunist when you see one. A person that wantsyou will always be after you. The smarter the man, the more stealth hismoves. He knows you have a boyfriend. So? He can still send a text or callduring a late night session with your current guy, and now you have toexplain why that guy is hitting you up. He can still drop hints that you two"still talk" which can be taken back to a friend of your man, and made intoa situation you have to defend. Being naive isn't an excuse, a Spartanunderstands the chess board and knows how each piece moves in anysituation. These men want pussy, not friendship, and they are looking tosnake their way back in so they can then wait for an opportunity.He may sabotage from a distance. He may wait for the week you andyour new man are arguing and strike at that moment of weakness. You can'tsubscribe to this idea that, "I have it under control," because you're taking arisk that need not be taken. A friend serves a purpose, they shouldn't besomeone you know and want to keep around just because. Look at eachman in your life, old and new, then ask their purpose. If a guy is yourtrue friend, he would always be there for you, not to keep flirting, simping,or giving you bad advice that leads to him getting the next shot. Maybe youdidn't date like a Spartan and in terms of letting go of your multiple men,perhaps you let guys from the roster hang around. Well, now you knowbetter, so mow your lawn and rid yourself of the snakes.
Let's discuss the role known as The Backup Dick aka BUD. Thesearen't men you sleep with, keep on the side to talk to when your boyfriend'snot around, or have any affair related interactions with. He is simply a manyou meet, whose vibe rubs you the right way, but since he met you in anoffseason (already taken) he doesn't get a shot to be on the team. However,you can file his number away for a later time and contact him if yourcurrent relationship ends. Backup Dick are men you notice, but don't moveon, they aren't exes or men who had a shot who come back around, knowthe difference. Let's say you meet a guy during a business conference,doing some service for you such as auto or home repair, or at a formalevent, and it's all professional. He looks and talks like your type, and if youweren't taken you would snatch him, but you are taken. File him away.Take his business card or info, and store it. Focus on your current situation.Don't start a romantic-friendship during a relationship, it's too much tojuggle.
What about those men who randomly come up to you asking for yournumber or who flirt with you? Do you become that girl who screams, "Ihave a boyfriend," when a man asks the time or starts a conversation in anelevator? No. You observe. Who is this man and why is he coming intoyour world right now? If he's trying to get your number, then you can tellhim that you're seeing someone. That's easy. If he's someone that canbenefit you socially or professionally, hear him out. In Los Angeles, I'veseen actresses blow jobs because they mistook networking for flirting. Youlive in a world where there will be men trying to chase you sexually, andothers trying to offer opportunities. You can't let a relationship cage you,but you can't be so naive that you don't pick up on a vibe of what a man isselling. Not all men are trying to fuck and not all men are trying to help, thisis where you use your Spartan mind to read between the lines. If you makea connection platonically, communicate that to your boyfriend, even if itwill make him jealous. Seeing "Roy D" text you will lead to an argumentwhere the consensus will be "Why didn't you tell me about him if it'snothing?" It's not about explaining yourself to a man, it's about treatingyour man as you would want him to treat you in terms of transparentcommunication.
Speaking of your boyfriend, his ex-girlfriends, former fuck buddies,or current social media crushes, they don't just disappear the moment youget the title. Men are notorious for keeping their relationships on the low.Not because they are trying to be sneaky, but because few men feel a needto broadcast their relationship status when first getting into one. Guys seehow quick people break up, and who wants to be that person that declaresthey are in love and then has to eat crow? In terms of your guy being offlimit, this is his test to pass or fail, not a mission where you shield him fromother women. If women only stay away from your man because you areactive in promoting that you are together, how do you establish trust outsideof your control? The moment you aren't around what happens? A man hasto be put through the fire early, not protected for fear your relationship willgo up in flames. If your boyfriend can't handle being seduced byanother woman, then you need to know that, not guard against it. Don'tbe the girl who demands he post you on Instagram, change his Facebookstatus, or that he gives you the security code of his phone. Fearful tacticsand basic bitch announcements meant to scare off other women train him tobe sneaky. You as a female know that the average woman gives zero fucksabout if he has a girl. See what he's made of when put to the test. He knowshe's yours; a picture of you two hugging doesn't do shit but bring thevultures out quicker. It's on your man to defend himself from other women,not on you. Observe this early in the relationship to understand what kind ofman he is by his actions, don't correct it, simply observe at this stage.Letting him hang himself will save you from falling in love with someonewho is going to be sharing his dick before you even reach the one-yearpoint.
What about those women who were already in your man's life beforeyou? Are they really his little sisters or are they just low hanging pussy,there for him to reach for when you annoy him? Don't get paranoid.Remember, men are too nice to women, especially attractive ones. I'vementioned before how males rarely burn bridges, so if you see that yourboyfriend is being too generous with his time, bring it up. "Why are youstill talking to that bitch?" Will not get you on the same page, it puts him onthe defense and nothing will get solved. Communicate that you trust him,but you don't think it's proper to maintain a relationship with that girl. If hesays they're real friends, don't counter with anger, "Okay, well watch mecall my exes and be friends again too," that's immature.
Here are the magic words: I don't want you talking to her. This iswhere dating like a Spartan pays off. When dating a man in the ways laidout in that section, you learn his past. This includes all of his female friendsand the roles they play because you asked him stories about his life. Youknow Emily was the jump-off that was too clingy, you know that Cynthiawas his ex's little sister who became his little sister, Renee is the one thatgot away but evolved into his best friend, and Briana is his last officialgirlfriend who hurt him. If those names pop up, you understand what's areal friendship and who's just old pussy that's hanging around. If a newname pops up that wasn't mentioned during dating, then you know thatsomething is up. Be forward! You date a man so you can know a man's life,don't allow someone from the past sneak in because you want to believethis man wouldn't slide off into new pussy while your pussy is stillrelatively new. Don't trust anyone fully, trust in your research.
Talking Not Communicating
Every early relationship problem has the same root cause, a failure tocommunicate. You spend every day with a person, you sleep with a person,you say you love a person but are you communicating or are you simplytalking? Talking is the crust, communication is the filling. When you stickwith the crust, you don't get to see what the pie is made of, you're falling inlove with a basic ingredient that all people have, a buttery flaky top layer.You talk to people at work, you wouldn't say you're close, because youknow there is a limit to how much you share with the majority of them. Youtalk to certain relatives but aren't close enough to give them the sameaccess that your mother has. Talking is safe because you don't have to letanyone in. Communication requires you letting someone in on yourproblems and your doubts, which requires vulnerability and courage. Yourinternal feelings could be called petty, insecure, or silly, and be dismissedby the one person you want to understand you. You don't want yourboyfriend to take your feelings for granted. You don't want to be made funof or to be seen as another dramatic girl complaining about nothing. This iswhy most relationships stay at the talking level, the safe level, and onlydelve deeper when pushed to an argument.
Don't ask a man to do something that you aren't prepared to doyourself. To open up is to demand that he do the same. It's a give and take.If you don't give him real communication, he won't spill his feelings. If allyou two do is talk, argue, apologize, and repeat, then you have a weakunderstanding of one another and an even weaker relationship. A boy hidesbehind "whatever," "Can we talk about this later," "I don't know what youwant me to say..." a man opens up and discusses his point of view withrespect for your point of view. That allows you both to come to a solution orcompromise without the fussing. Push him to open up by not being afraid toask questions even at this stage. The first six months of a relationshipdetermines the foreseeable future. If he refuses to communicate now, itwon't get better. By allowing your man to remain emotionally lazy, you tellhim it's okay. Before losing yourself in this man's positives, push yourselfto discover his negatives, and then be Spartan enough to communicate whatneeds to be improved. That's what teammates do.