"He needs to treat me right or let me go!" - Basica Alba
In sports, the consensus is that winning a title is harder than defending thattitle. In relationships, making a commitment is much easier thanmaintaining that commitment. No matter how confident you are in yourability to love a person through thick and thin, there is no cure for growingapart. Let me define what growing apart means. It isn't being mad at eachother for a few days or a week, and feeling that you should just end it.That's basic anger. You are emotional and annoyed, so your mind goes offto dark places, but it's nothing cooling off won't rectify. To grow apartmeans that a person stops caring, stops investing, and begins to distancethemselves emotionally. A man can grow apart from you while sleeping inthe same bed. It's not the physical space, it's the feeling that you no longerconnect mentally. The vast majority of relationships that are brought to me,the man has grown apart, and the woman missed the red flags months agothat it was happening. They still had sex, they still had fun, but the signswere there. He didn't talk as much, he didn't share as much, he didn't haveas much patience...these small character changes stand out, but they getignored. Unlike a man cheating or going through a depression, there aren'tAh-ha moments. You slowly break apart, and by the time you realize thathe's now playing by his own rules, you are too far away to reach him.To be a "good girlfriend," means you pay attention to your partner,you stand up to mistreatment, you communicate without fear, and youcurtail your own bad behavior no matter how agitated you become. Thereare women who become pushovers in a relationship because they fearlosing this great once in a lifetime man, so they let him get away withmurder. There are also women who are bullies. They see that a man letsthem do whatever, so they push his buttons to bring that "real man" fire outof him. Both of these personalities lead to huge blowups. A pushover isalways going to cry about neglect, stress that her man doesn't appreciateher, threaten to leave, then repeat the cycle after he apologizes. A bullishwoman will make a man react like a victim, with his own ultimatums abouthow he's leaving because he can't take her controlling attitude or bi-polarbehavior. A woman like this will apologize, cry for forgiveness, and pull theman back, only to do the same thing when she feels bored or unchallenged.You shouldn't be a pussy that lets a man run over you, nor should you be inthe habit of committing to men who you can manipulate and push around.The dating stage was meant to empower you, as well as net you a partnerwith a backbone, not some simp you could settle for, kick around, and thencry, "come back, I really do love you." That's not what a Spartan does. Beyond those extremes, there is a more common flaw, and we call herpride. The downfall of a woman in a relationship can be traced to anobsessive need to make it work, not for love, but to prove herself. Red flagsaren't missed, they are picked up and thrown under the rug because youcan't afford to have another failed relationship. Your parents, your friends,your co-workers, even the folks on the internet, can't see you go throughyet another man who doesn't work out. After talking all that sugary shitabout how great he is, how he treats you, and acting as if you kneweverything about what makes a relationship work; how will it look to besingle again?
You will spend so much energy investing in a man, trying tounderstand a man, and putting up with that man's shit. Is it really becauseyou love him? Or is it because you hate to fail? To tell the world how lovedyou are, then have to explain why it's over--stings your pride. To getengaged to a man, then have to call it off--stings your pride. To getmarried, to throw your vows in the face of the world as if you figured outthe secret to love, then have it end in divorce--stings your pride. You holdon to a sinking ship because you know that the rest of the world is waitingfor you to fail, for you to prove that you aren't as good as advertised. Areyou the type of girlfriend who has this chip on her shoulder, who is fueledby pride to the point of self-destruction, or are you in it for happiness?Will you leave your boyfriend if you are no longer happy? Be honest.It's easy to say "yes" when you don't have a boyfriend, but the true answeronly comes during the relationship stage. Women in relationships are rarely100% happy, but they continue to stay. They may complain to a few closefriends or family members, but they refuse to tell themselves the completetruth--it's not working. Shame, embarrassment, the myth that a "goodgirlfriend" can make any relationship work; these things keep the averagewoman trying to fix something that broke a long time ago. This too shallpass, if you love each other you will make it work, hang in there...no onegives solutions, they serve up positive cliches that do nothing. You don'tknow anyone with real answers, so you look for books on how to "rekindlethe love" or seek advice in secret to figure out the mind of your man. Why?Breaking up is not a real option because your pride sees it as giving up, soyou stay. For the Non-Spartan, the answer to the above question is "no" youwon't leave your boyfriend. Happiness isn't as important as maintainingyour relationship status. What a sad life to live.
Spartan Girlfriends Do It Better
To date like a Spartan from the onset will make basic relationship problemsa non-factor. The typical things women struggle with like, communication,constant lying, mommy or daddy issues, narcissism, being controlling,jealousy, abusive tendencies, all of these things a Spartan sniffs out duringthe dating stage. She doesn't speed towards a title or get swept up in lust towhere a man can get away with being his false representative. Learning aman before he has the job of boyfriend, creates an entirely differentrelationship experience than learning him while he's on the job.
Nevertheless, you may find this book while in a relationship that's beengoing south for some time. You aren't going to cut your boyfriend off andstart over as a Spartan, you aren't that strong. You want to save what youhave, upgrade what you have, or maintain what you have, because you arein love. Your dilemma isn't how to become a Spartan, date like a Spartan,and get into a relationship like a Spartan. You want one thing: To learn toSpartan Up in the midst of a relationship that you are losing.
How does a non-Spartan find her way back to power? You mustRisk the Dick. That's how you win back control of a failing relationship.Regardless of the backstory, if he is the problem or if you caused the riff,you can rebuild and refocus your life together. This section will reshapehow you approach the ups and downs of a relationship. It demands twothings: Confidence and the total lack of fear. You have to take a gamble,prove that you trust in yourself, and literally risk losing the man you love, toget your relationship back to a healthy place. Before we get to the solutions,the first question which must be asked is if your relationship is even worthsaving.
Forget being in love, all the good times you've shared so far, and thepotential you see for a better future, and let's look at reality. Some peopleare comfortable sleeping on a mattress on the floor, it doesn't bother them,so why waste money getting a bed frame. Most relationships are thatmattress, it works well enough, and it's comfortable, and so long as no onediscovers that you're living like a fucking hobo, who cares? You shouldcare! Relationships aren't about being comfortable; they're about beinghappy. Are you happy? I guess. Sometimes. When he acts right. For themost part. Are cute ways of saying, "No" and it tells me that you're the typeof basic ass woman who holds on to mediocrity because it's easier to dealwith the shit he puts you through than to make a lot of noise and lose him.No one is happy sleeping on the floor, they just get used to it. No woman ishappy in a mediocre relationship, she gets used to it and calls it love. If youare ever going to reset your relationship like a Spartan, you must firstdiagnose it with the honesty of one.
Do you even know what it means to be a girlfriend? Pause the bullshit about"I'm the best kind of girlfriend a man can ask for," ego propaganda. Areyou really that amazing? Yes, I know you are loyal and don't talk to othermen. You make time for him, throw the box even when you have aheadache, and deal with his attitude like a good woman should. Yawn.Being a girlfriend isn't about how great you are at putting up with a man'sshit, not giving out your phone number to new dick, the time you spend laidup under him, or how much sex you give him in a week. Are you matureand honest enough to be the kind of woman who a man falls in love with orare you the average placeholder who men put up with for the benefits? Alarge percentage of women I advise have been engaged before. One eventold me this as if I were supposed to give her a gold star like, "Oh, you gotan engagement ring once, you must be different." Fuck your priorengagement! It didn't lead to anything, so welcome back to the boat.Understand what makes a girl start to lose points in her man's mind--the headache factor. He can't talk to you because you nag. He can't own upto a mistake because you bring it back up after it's supposed to be forgiven.He can't help you with your own issues because you fear he will throw itback at you, so you play the role of this "everything's fine," strong woman.You are the type of girl who says "We need to talk," days later instead oftalking about a situation when it first happens. You say basic shit like, "Letme cool off because if I talk to him, I may say something I can't take back."Really? Are you so primitive in your communication skills you can'taddress an issue without the fear of losing control? You are a grownwoman. Yet here you are sucking your teeth, rolling your eyes, balling upyour fist, and swelling with rage because you can't handle a conversationwhere you say what must be said. You are so afraid of being honest with aman, so afraid of unleashing your true feelings, that you wait until it boils tothe point of arguing. Realize how annoying a personality like that is, andhow difficult it is for a man to confront this because he feels you will see itas an attack, get defensive, and it's war. Men put up with this, but only tobide time for someone better. No man is in love with a ticking time bomb.Communication is everything. If a man feels as if he can't talk to youand you can't talk to him, it creates an enormous separation. A girlfriendmentality shows a man that you have the seeds of a wife mentality; meaninghe can grow with you without fear of feeling trapped, bored, annoyed, andemotionally unfulfilled. If you're being a headache within the first fivemonths, imagine how big the communication gap will become by year fiveof a marriage? The typical attitude is that if you were special enough to geta man to commit, you will be special enough to get him to stay. What afucking joke. Commitment means nothing, it's the longevity that matters!99.9% of women have been in a committed relationship, getting there isn'thard, staying is.
Do you think you're the only chick with a stove that can ride a dick?You aren't. A man will always find a girlfriend capable of the basics. Thesegirls are placeholders just like you, doing enough to stay in the game until abetter woman appears. To be a true girlfriend means you have to putemphasis on the "friend" aspect in a way that tells him you know how tocommunicate and that it's okay for him to do the same in a transparent andmature manner. Do you speak your mind when he does something thatupsets you or do you inhale your frustrations and go run and tell yourfriends how mad you are? Your friends can't fix your problems; all they cando is listen to you vent. Tell me if I was wrong. I wasn't in the wrong, right?...exactly! That's my point, but he acts like he did nothing. Men are sodumb! What does that do? Is telling the person you aren't mad at about theperson you are mad at, going to solve the issue that may break you up?A girlfriend should be transparent and blunt. "You know what youdid, don't play dumb," is not communication. A man shouldn't have toguess why you're mad, he shouldn't have to wait until an unrelated issuehappens for you to finally talk about the first issue, nor should you walkaround feeling as if you have no voice in your own relationship. The fearthat you will get into an argument, that he will call you petty, that he maybreak up with you. I smell it. Your passive aggression, the forced silence,the explosions that happen because you keep things bottled up, it's allbecause you can't talk about what's on your mind in an adult way becauseyou think that will scare him off. It doesn't matter if the problem seemssmall. If you can't speak on it, then those small problems become bigarguments later.
Think about what an argument is, in terms of getting to where you'reraising voices. It's an escalation of a problem caused by not dealing with itearlier. How does it make you feel when he doesn't do what he promised?Disappointed. Say that shit. How does it make you feel when he putssomeone else before you? Unappreciated. Say that shit. How does it makeyou feel when you see him look at some other girl with a glimmer in hiseye? Jealous. Say that shit. How does it make you feel when he does thesame thing you told him not to do? Disrespected. Say that shit and stopholding back! A good girlfriend doesn't make a big deal out of small things,she makes a small deal out of those small things before they ever get toobig!
Internalizing is a huge problem, and while a man's actions may createthe friction, your own cowardly handling of your emotions causes a rift thatwidens with each new problem. Men stereotype women as these hand ontheir hips, overly emotional, overly sensitive banshees because the averagewoman holds her feelings in and only speaks to erupt. Speak your peaceevery single day. Before you worry about how to deal with all these otherissues, start with yourself. Are you a good girlfriend? Are you honest? Areyou truthful? Are you verbal? If your response is, "I have to work on somethings but he needs to also..." then stop right there. It's not about what heneeds to do, this is about you being at your best. Your man may not stayyour man once you read the last chapter of this book, but you will have tocontinue to live with yourself, right? Strengthen yourself, fill your holes,and then worry about what a man does. Don't let ego point to him beforeyou evaluate yourself. All of the men that didn't work out, who was thecommon denominator? You. Fix you first. There is no Spartanhood withoutthe destruction of personal baggage and defensive excuses.
Is he a good boyfriend? This may be harder to admit to than your ownfaults, because if you answer, "No, he's not really a good boyfriend," whatdoes that say about you that you're trying to discover a way to keep him?When I first conceived of Date Like a Spartan, a close female friendresponded with, "Does it come with a time machine, because how is thatgoing to help me deal with this current asshole I'm already with?" Theprison mentality that if you're already with him, you have to stay with himand make it work, is something that a Spartan would never entertain. Allcouples have bumps, times when things need to be smoothed out, but nomatter how long you have known each other, even if you live together, havechildren together, or have a business together, a woman always has thepower to walk away from the romance aspect of that relationship. Youchose to chain yourself to the relationship. Now you can choose to unchainyourself. For every excuse of "I can't leave him yet because," there is anexample of a woman who has walked away under similar circumstances.Are you not as capable? As smart, as strong, as independent as otherwomen? The only difference between a woman who frees herself and awoman who stays chained to misery is the Will To Power. Being in love hasto stop being the ultimate scapegoat for weak bitch behavior.
Let's look at these flawed men who you fall in love with and refuse tolet go of, and let's see if they are worth it or you're just another typical whothinks she can fix broken a man. During Spartan Cali's journey, she pickedat Stephen's past, observed his behavior, and purposely did things that madehim uncomfortable to see what kind of boyfriend he would be. In yourrelationship, you most likely found out the hard way that your man hasanger issues, gets extremely jealous, expects to know where you are at alltimes, forgets things you tell him, and behaves differently around his friendsthan he behaves around you. That's spilled milk at this point, so let's godeeper into what boyfriend mentality means, and not dwell on those flawsas complete deal breakers. Why should you make a man your boyfriend?Are you trying him on like a new bra, with plans to discard him if yououtgrow him, or are you trying him on like a pre-husband? To become yourboyfriend once you are over the age of 24 should take on a biggerresponsibility, that means the man you choose can't just be cool, sexy, orfunny, with a couple of annoying habits. He has to show you things that tellyou that he's mature enough, responsible enough, and driven enough to putyour life in his hands. Your future, your time, your exclusivity; do yourealize how important those things are? Do you realize the power you aregoing to share with a man that becomes your husband? A grown womanisn't dating just to kill time, she is looking for her match, her GameChanger. This doesn't mean your relationship is a race to get married, butthe man you choose to be exclusive with should have one quality: I couldsee myself marrying him. Typicals see themselves marrying any guy that'shalf cute and has a job. You shouldn't. Think about what you want in ahusband. Now think about the guy you are with now or if you aren't withone, think about the last man you were stuck on. Did he have a boyfriendmentality that pointed to him being what you wanted in a husband or was hejust a dude you were with that was good enough? "Some of the times," or"Most of the time," is not an answer.
Either a man has what you want forever, or he is lacking. If he islacking, then why the fuck are you still holding on to him? You do realizethat you have the power to attract better, right? Go inside of your man andexamine for incompatibilities. A guy who spends time with you, but doesn'tshare his thoughts with you, is a boy, not a man. A guy who listens to yourproblems, but can't offer solutions, is a boy, not a man. A guy that opens hiswallet, but won't open up about his life, is a boy, not a man. Who is this guyyou have committed to? You know his name, but do you know his soul!?No matter what's on the surface, males can be incredibly insecure, mentallybroken, and emotionally scarred. Your guy may still be healing fromanother woman, struggling with money, or in the midst of pressuresunrelated to you, and barely keeping it together inside. Do you even knowwhat goes on in the head of your man? Are you aware of his daily strugglesor do you simply fuck him, laugh with him, and eat with him? "He doesn'ttell me things," then ask him! What man leads with his pain? This is amacho world he's in. Men hide their insecurities in plain sight, and mostwomen can't see this because they are more concerned about their ownneeds being met, rather than inspecting a guy for cracks in his foundation.Is he financially secure, or is he putting on a front, living off creditcards, school loans, or hustle cash that can dry up at any moment? Knowthis! You will be asked to help out with his bills and lift him up financiallyif the bubble burst on his sketchy investment or if a risky idea he's trying todo fails. You didn't know that when you were dating, but you figured thisout now, so ask yourself is this the type of man you could one day marry?This isn't about his finances, it's about his mentality. Fake like it's all good,bring you into his financial mess, and then let you bail him out? That's not aboyfriend mentality, that's a struggle dick that will drain you.
Does he love himself, or is he self-loathing to the point where hetakes out his bitterness on other people? You will constantly have to strokehis ego, listen to him make excuses for his position in life while blamingexternal forces, and suck it up when he starts an argument with you basedon his own insecurities. That's not a man you stay with. Some women putup with this, even buy into the excuse of a man having an unlucky hand,and because they know that he can be sweet when he's happy, they excusehis dark side. You should never marry a man who is battling demons norshould you be the Save-A-Dick that diagnoses a man as bi-polar and tries tobe his therapist. A girlfriend's job is not to be a man's medicine; a man withthat kind of sickness has to be the catalyst for his own change, his owngrowth, his own therapy. Does your man even like women? Commentsabout women as whores, about what girl's wear, or any condescendingobservations about females, points to more than an opinion, it points to adeep hate. Certain women gobble up misogyny because they feel he'sshitting on other women, but sees her as one of the good ones. That's likebeing a house slave and hearing Master talk about the slaves in the field asbeing stupid, but smiling because he loves you. Use your brain! How longbefore he's calling you out your name? Accusing you of cheating? Banningyou from hanging with certain friends? Basic chicks think it's cute when aman acts jealous about an outfit she wears. "Daddy told me I had tochange," is said with pride because she wants the world to know that herman loves her and doesn't want any other man looking. That isn't love,that's control, you simpleton. To stay in a relationship with a man like thator to have a child by him will become life in a prison where the wardensecretly hates everything you represent. That is not a boyfriend mentality,that is an abusive husband in the making.
Finally, let's look at a man's past because it creates the deepestinsecurities. The same way women grow up with daddy issues or become areflection of the men that rejected them, males can also stay stuck in thepast. Who is this man you committed to and what kind of hurt does he comefrom? Do you not care so long as he hides it, treats you the way you like,and puts on a smile or do you understand that it's only a matter of timebefore his traumatic past creates a problematic future? Men are competitive,and the majority are at the end of the winner's spectrum in terms of self-esteem. His dad didn't think he measured up to the other boys, and he's stilltrying to prove he does. The girls he wanted never wanted him back, so hehad to settle for what he could get. To feel better about not being goodenough for those girls, he overcompensates in other areas of his life tovalidate his bruised ego. Maybe he was molested, abandoned, or watchedhis mother go through abuse. A man like this hasn't forgotten, it drives him.The average woman jumps at the opportunity to mend broken birds, theyhave the love to give, and think it will save him. They fail to understandthat love is not enough. If you love him, a broken and undeserving man,then what does that make you? He sees his weakness in your affection. Youlove him like a puppy, not like a man. No matter what you do, how oftenyou come with a shoulder to lean on or have inspirational words to makehim see that he is good enough, he will reject you and resent your love.A man who feels that he's not worthy needs more than the easy loveof some woman that never even bothered to ask about his hurt until theywere in a relationship. Allowing his insecurities to go unnoticed proves thatyou didn't care who he was, you were settling for the surface representativebecause any man is good enough. How can you sit in a man's face and tellhim what you love about him, when you don't even know the hell he's beenthrough or the depression he's holding on to in private? You can't lovesomeone you don't fully know, but you do, because you are only worriedabout landing a boyfriend that loves you back. A man knows where awoman's love comes from, and if he hates himself, he will hate you forloving him for nothing. This depression doesn't necessitate that heverbalizes it, but you will see it in his actions. Sabotaging the relationship,acting indifferent to your feelings, being ready to walk away the moment aproblem occurs, and being abusive. This is how these men handle theiremotions, they rage, they run, they sulk, or create an environment of apathybecause they feel as if your love is based on bullshit.
A male's past could create insecurity in the opposite way. Instead ofbeing a repellant for love, he could become obsessed with being spoiled.Weak mothers, usually those who see that a boy's father isn't showing himproper attention or where a boy's father isn't present, can overcompensateby making a man feel as if he deserves the world, and doesn't have toreciprocate. A man that grows up like this will face instances where he's nottreated special, where the world shows him that he's just as ordinary as thenext man, so to feel better about his life that male seeks a new mother andcalls her "girlfriend." Again, we have a woman who has so much love togive because she wants to receive that love back due to her owninsecurities, so she accepts this challenge. You put a spoiled mama's boy infront of a damaged woman, it's heaven on earth for a while. Therelationship is built on him getting his ego stroked, getting his way, andgetting catered to, which means he will never be in love with that woman,but only what she does for him, because again he recognizes where her lovecomes from, desperation. In his professional life or his social life, he is mostlikely near the bottom compared to how other men view him and he knowsit, but in your arms, he's a king. "Men are so selfish," is the disgustedfrustration that pours from the lips of women who thought they could giveunconditional love and have it boomerang back. When you think a manacting needy is cute, when you fall in love with playing house instead ofvetting, you become guilty of feeding into his addiction. Do you reallybelieve that a man who gets it all will without working for it knows how toreturn that love? Do you think you can train a man to be less spoiled bycurtailing how much love you show him after you've already given him theworld? A man like that will pout to get his way and you will go back tospoiling him because you don't want to lose him. You're being hustled by aboy not loved by a man, understand the difference. The name of the game isBoyfriend Mentality that shows a pathway to Husband mentality. Thesetortured souls, can't love themselves so how will they ever be able to loveyou?
Ask yourself if you have the mentality of a girlfriend then askyourself if the guy you're with, trying to get with, or trying to get back withhas a boyfriend mentality. You can't love your way out of incompatibilityand you can't fix something that never worked. Before you go on to thenext chapter, is your relationship worth fighting for or should you break up?Evaluate your relationship by asking one simple question: Am I happy? Ifthe answer is no, then where is the difficulty in that decision? Fear ofstarting over, fear of being judged as a failure, fear of making a mistake andnot finding another man, fear of never being good enough for anyman...these things don't exist in a Spartan's mind. They exist in youbecause you put too much value in men. You want to fix that which cannever be repaired. You cling to his comfortable in the face of his disrespect.You will never be happy until you see all men, even the one you call yours,as replaceable. Risk the dick! Mentally, bring yourself to the edge wherethere is no longer a fear of losing him. Know that you don't need any man,and the battle will be won. You will behave like a woman that has nothingto lose, and he will react like a man that doesn't want to get replaced thenext day. This power ensures that you will never be taken advantage of.